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what happened

October 26, 2011

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love you gave me without even knowing what had happened. The comments and emails did not go unnoticed even if I did not respond to all of you.

I know I don’t have to tell you what happened but it seems like the more times I say it out loud the more accepting I become of what can not be changed.

I was pregnant.

11 weeks. For those of you who follow my blog regularly you know how Keith and I struggled to get pregnant. I wrote about my fertility struggles caused by hypothyroidism many times. You can read some of those posts here and here.

When I got the positive pregnancy test we were thrilled…obviously…it took so much for us to finally get to that point. I was so excited to tell you all and was waiting until the 14 week mark to break the big news.

Last Saturday night, I started having some intense cramps. I wasn’t bleeding but I could tell something felt off.  I called the doctor and he said to come in. The last ultrasound I had the gestational sack measured 7 weeks 5 days, on September 30th, and everything looked 100% normal. Strong heartbeat, good vitals, etc. Anyway I went into the ER and they did an ultrasound and found no fetal heartbeat and the gestational sack was only measuring 8 weeks 3 days old. So sometime over the last 3 weeks the baby died but my body just didn’t miscarry on its own. I went in on Sunday morning for the D&C to have the dead fetus removed.

I’m just angry, confused, sad and scared that we won’t be able to get pregnant again. We are allowed to start trying again after I have 2 normal periods. I called my fertility doctor and she sees me on November 17th for routine blood work and more hormone tests. We do get a pathology report back sometime next week.

I don’t have words to express how I feel. It’s not fair. I am just lost. I feel like someone ripped away my dreams in one second. Keith and I are left trying to pick up the pieces from a dream we were both so invested in.

I am angry.

I am devastated.

I am scared I won’t be able to get pregnant again or that if I do this will happen again.

I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know how to go back to normal. I feel like I am functioning on autopilot.

I know that this is common. Many people have told me they either have gone through this or know someone who has. It doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t help me to feel like I will eventually get my baby.

So that’s the story. That’s what happened.

I feel stuck. I can’t go backward. I can’t go forward. I am just here.

One foot in front of the other. That’s just what I have to do.

65 Comments leave one →
  1. October 26, 2011 8:07 am

    Oh Kelly, I am so sorry. I don’t even know what else to say. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling right now :(. So, that’s all I’m going to say. I am so sorry for you and Keith, and I’d give you a real hug if I could.

  2. October 26, 2011 8:12 am

    I’m so sorry Kelly. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me.

  3. October 26, 2011 8:16 am

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling, but just try and keep your head up ❤

  4. October 26, 2011 8:33 am

    I’m so, so sorry Kelly. My heart breaks for you right now.

  5. October 26, 2011 8:36 am

    Oh, Kelly. My heart is broken for you and Keith. I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through, but know that your blogger friends are thinking about you and wish we could all give you a real hug instead of a comment.

  6. October 26, 2011 8:37 am

    I am so sorry to hear this : ( I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for you both. My love to you, and I don’t even know what to say to make you feel better, but just want to say, it will be ok, and Im thinking of you.

  7. October 26, 2011 8:41 am

    Hi, I am really sorry to hear about your loss. Give yourself some time and spoil yourself. It will not take the pain away, but it might take your mind of things for a little while.

  8. October 26, 2011 8:51 am

    Thanks for opening up, you didn’t have to, and I know it can’t be easy. I’m very sorry for your loss, and will have you in my prayers.

  9. Rae Anne Springer permalink
    October 26, 2011 8:53 am

    Everything is OK in the end. If it’s not OK, then it’s not the end.

    Sending up prayers for you both – Right here, right now.

  10. barbara n permalink
    October 26, 2011 8:54 am

    No words can express how sad I am for you….but I hope that by the many thoughts and prayers of your readers you will at least know that you are special to many.

  11. October 26, 2011 9:05 am

    Big Hugs to you and Keith.

    That is all.

    I love you.

  12. October 26, 2011 9:16 am

    Oh Kelly, I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now. I guess at least now you know you have the ability to get pregnant. That doesn’t make this any less devastating though.
    Sending all my love your way. You will get through this.

  13. Courtney permalink
    October 26, 2011 10:03 am

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that you find calmness and peace with all the unanswered questions as well as comfort for the hurt. I also pray that the fear you have will go away, and that you will have a healthy baby soon.

  14. October 26, 2011 10:12 am

    There are no words that can help, but just know you are in my thoughts. I’m so sorry.

  15. Tina permalink
    October 26, 2011 10:28 am

    you and Keith are in my thoughts, my heart hurts for you both

  16. October 26, 2011 11:00 am

    I don’t even know what to say. You and Ketih are in my thoughts, it really pisses me off when there are people out there who should have kids and would be good parents like you all (ok, I havent met you but I have a feeling you all would be) and then something like this happens. Stay strong girlfriend.

  17. October 26, 2011 11:24 am

    This exact same thing happened to one of my best friends about 4 months ago. She was also 11 weeks when everything happened, she had a D&C too. I’m praying for you, I know how hard it was for my friend and can’t imagine the pain you are in. Just know that God has a plan, and He is in control, even when we can’t see the reasons why. You know that if you ever want to hang out, I’m here for you!

  18. October 26, 2011 11:30 am

    My heart is breaking for you! Hear if you need some ears!!

  19. LaureeOhOhOh permalink
    October 26, 2011 11:42 am

    My beautiful, far-away friend,
    I am so sorry to hear about your incredible loss, and my best thoughts are with you.

  20. October 26, 2011 11:44 am

    How heartbreaking for you and Keith both. I am so sorry to hear this and will keep you in my thoughts. I am so sad for you both.

  21. Lee permalink
    October 26, 2011 12:15 pm

    So sorry to hear your story. Life is just not fair sometimes, but you are strong and you have an amazing man so you can help each other through it. love ya.

  22. October 26, 2011 12:46 pm

    I am so sorry. I have no idea what you must be going through, but if you need ANYTHING let me know.

  23. October 26, 2011 1:07 pm

    Oh, gosh. I am so very, very sorry. My heart aches for you. I cannot comprehend the feelings that you are going through, so all I will say is that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  24. October 26, 2011 1:22 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I know the anger, the emptiness, the whole mess of emotions and feeling that no matter what people tell you, you can’t imagine, you can’t believe you will ever be a mom. I get it. So many of us get it.
    I’ve walked down a very similar path…8 yrs of infertility treatment…5 doctors…countless rounds of treatment…heartbreak after heartbreak …people telling us to give up…but it was my dream, I could feel it, it was my only real calling…to be a mom.
    So as I sit here typing this, waiting to pick up my 11 year old miracle from middle school, I am going to encourage you not to give up on your dream, let your body heal than pick yourself up and FIGHT for that baby that YOU WILL hold one day in your arms.
    Remember, there are so many roads to parenthood, some of us just have a longer or different journey.
    Take care, be good to yourself and know that you and keith are in my thoughts and prayers.

  25. crystal c. permalink
    October 26, 2011 1:28 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing with us what had happened. You by no means needed to do that. I am sure it is just another way to get your feelings out and to maybe come to terms what has happened. I have no idea what you are going through but I am so sorry that you are going through it. This summer my fiance and I are going to start trying for a family. for some reason I am worried that I am going to have a hard time getting pregnant. You are in my prayers and in my thoughts. I know we don’t know each other but I will be thinking about you and Keith during this time. I will pray that you will be able to get pregnant soomn and that your body will accept it. You are a very brave woman for sharing this with all of us. I know that I can speak for everyone and say that we are here for you. Take care.

  26. October 26, 2011 2:05 pm

    Oh Kelly I am SO sorry to hear this. I know that’s really not going to help anything, by me saying this, but I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts & prayers. I can only imagine how HARD it must be on you & Keith..I really can’t imagine. Thinking of you.

  27. October 26, 2011 2:51 pm

    I’ve been praying for you and Keith every day since the email! Hang in there!

  28. October 26, 2011 3:23 pm

    You will get your baby. I know you will.

  29. October 26, 2011 8:16 pm

    you know I am here for you. Praying for healing, for strength, for comfort. ❤

  30. October 26, 2011 10:49 pm

    So sorry Kelly. I went through a similar situation after I had my daughter. Positive pregnancy test, some spotting but u/s showed a heartbeat at 9 weeks then at 11 weeks went in for a follow up u/s and learned we’d lost the baby. I had a D&C at 12 weeks. It was really hard and I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I felt better after the D&C, as at least the physical part was over. The week I had to walk around at work and home wondering if this was the day/hour that I’d start the physical miscarriage was the worst. There aren’t any words of advice I have except to let yourself fully experience each emotion as it comes. Be sad when you need to. Be angry when you need to. At the same time, don’t feel guilty if you find yourself laughing about something or forgetting, even if just for a second.

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  31. Jen permalink
    October 27, 2011 7:31 am


    My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I can only imagine what you are going through so I won’t reiterate what has already been said. Just know that God works in many unexplained ways…everyone struggles with something like this. You Are Not Alone. I recently learned I will never be able to have children…so be Blessed that at least hopefully in the future you still have the potential.

    Your In my prayers.

  32. October 27, 2011 1:01 pm

    Oh Kelly, it breaks my heart to read this story. I am so extremely sorry for your loss and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. It’s okay that you feel the way you do. Take some time to mourn. You deserve it. Hang in there.

  33. October 28, 2011 11:12 am

    Wow, that is just awful and I am so sorry. FWIW, you are not alone. I know a few women who’ve encountered this struggle and have moved forward to have healthy babies. This doesn’t mean the end of the journey for you, even though right now I am sure it feels like it. Take care of yourself.

  34. October 28, 2011 12:38 pm

    I am so sorry Kelly. I will keep you in my prayers and we’re here for you!

  35. October 28, 2011 12:41 pm

    Oh, Kelly. My heart is breaking for you right now. I wish there was something I could do to take away some of the hurt you feel right now. I know there isn’t. Just know that the anger and every other emotion you are feeling is completely understandable. Love you and let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do for you.

  36. Krissie J permalink
    October 28, 2011 4:14 pm

    You have every right to feel whatever you are feeling right now, even if it means the well wishes aren’t making you feel better. I am so sorry to hear about what a hard time you guys are going through and cannot imagine what it must be like. I will keep my fingers crossed and hopes high for you both. ❤

  37. October 28, 2011 4:18 pm

    I’m so, so sorry.

  38. October 28, 2011 5:21 pm

    Oh Kelly, I am SO sorry you are going through this. I am sending positive thoughts and some prayers your way.

    Take care.

  39. October 28, 2011 5:23 pm

    Oh my gosh, Kelly–I am so sorry to hear this! I got the goosebumps reading this–I can’t even imagine what you are going through.

    Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers–keep us updated on how you’re doing.

  40. October 28, 2011 6:12 pm

    Sending you love and prayers.

  41. tanya permalink
    October 29, 2011 11:02 am

    Make sure you are tested for LOW Progesterone ( i had two miscarriages) and changed doctors to find out I had LOw progesterone and had my baby girl:))

  42. Hallie permalink
    October 29, 2011 5:05 pm

    I’m so very sorry to hear about your news. Wishing you comfort and peace.

  43. October 30, 2011 12:39 pm

    I feel as if I know more people who have had miscarriages than have not. The good news though: YOU GOT PREGNANT! From what I’ve heard that’s an important step in infertility. Thoughts and prayers are with you and Keith.

  44. October 30, 2011 7:41 pm

    I just want to check back in with you! I know you are going through a hard time…but I want to let you know that I miss your daily posts!

  45. October 31, 2011 12:12 am

    Kelly I am keeping you in my prayers. I know how badly you feel, but don’t forget that you have a whole legion of people praying for you right now and just want to let you know how much we love you for blogging. I find it very admirable that you would post something like this on your blog. I would never be able to do anything like that. Stay strong and never forget that you have a crowd of people with you every step of the way.

  46. October 31, 2011 12:43 pm

    Oh Kelly, I am so sad for you. I hope everyday is a little better.

  47. October 31, 2011 1:56 pm

    My heart breaks for you.

  48. November 3, 2011 12:33 pm

    Just found your blog…so absolutely sorry that you and your husband are going through this right now. A quote+scripture that has comforted me during hard times
    May you never miss a rainbow because you are looking down. I will lift up my eyes until the hills from which comes my hope. My hope comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1

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