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how I cope with loss

April 9, 2012

First off, I want to thank all of you so much. The comments, tweets, facebook messages, emails, text messages and phone calls were amazing, comforting and just made me feel like so many people were rooting for me and Keith. Thank you so much and know that I appreciate it more than I could ever adequately express in writing.

I wanted to get down on paper (if you will) what the last few days have been like for me for my own peace of mind and for any others that I may be able to help. I have always thought that through my tragedies I want to be there for people wo have been me or unfortunately will be me.

Day of we found out (Tuesday): I was more numb than anything else. I cried some, not a lot, but really felt quite numb. I think I was a little in shock and disbelief and the full force of my emotions was still very much locked away.

Day 1 (Wednesday): The emotions came pouring out of me. I was hysterical at times and know that three overarching feelings consumed me. Anger, Sadness and Fear.

  • Anger: I was so angry that this happened again to us. I was pissed off that in 5 months we had come full circle. (For new readers: Keith and I had our first miscarriage at the end of last October) I was angry at everyone who was pregnant or had babies. It all seems so easy for some people. I was so pissed off.
  • Sadness: The sadness I felt for this loss was, at times, overwhelming. Hard, body-racking sobs spilled out of me for hours that morning. I firmly believe that no woman should ever experience the loss of a child, let alone more than once. It felt so unfair. Just so terribly unfair.
  • Fear: So much fear consumed me. I felt hopeless. The first one could have been a fluke and now it was a pattern. Was I, am I, ever going to be a mom? Is this just going to keep happening? How many times will I go through this?

I also did not lean on Keith at all. In fact I had the complete opposite reaction. I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. I was very irrationally angry at him. I needed to be angry at someone and the brunt of that anger fell on Keith’s shoulders. I escaped and spent the entire day at my Dad’s house. I firmly believe that sometimes a little girl just needs her daddy.

Day 2 (Thursday): I woke up with a very deep longing for my husband. I apologized profusely to Keith for running out the day before. He, of course, told me not to worry and understood that as irrational as my behavior may have seemed it was okay because whatever I needed to do to heal was what he wanted me to do. I was clingy and didn’t want Keith away from me or out of my sight. I needed to be held by him. I wanted to be with only him this day. I needed him to love me and I needed to love him.

Day 3 (Friday): We had the D&C at the hospital. Keith was there. My mom was there. My dad was there. I remember looking at the three of them all sitting next to my bed and thinking that these were the three most important people in my life. I would never get through any of this without them. After the D&C I was in some pain and my mom took care of me and Keith. She loaded our fridge with ready-made meals from Whole Foods and just sat with me. Just her presence calmed me and it helped Keith to have her there taking care of him too. Sometimes I feel this has been doubly hard on Keith in the fact that he lost his child too yet no one takes care of him and he is the strong one for me. I didn’t cry once this day and by the end of it I was ready to put my fighting pants back on.

Now: I am still very angry. I am still very sad. I am still very scared. But I am a fighter. I am a strong person and I am not ready to give up. We are going in in 2 weeks to have everything checked out from the D&C procedure and the testing will begin. Blood and chromosomal testing. We will either figure out what is going on, or we won’t get the answers we so desperately seek but no matter we will not give up. We will be parents. I will be a mom either naturally with Keith or through adoption. But I have to believe that I will be a mom. Thinking otherwise will kill me and I am not ready to die.

The other thing we did was we went to the County Humane Society and got a puppy. Oh yes we did. After putting Kodi to sleep last June we were just waiting for the right time to get another dog and this was the right time. For us anyway. I need to mother something, to care for something, to have something depend on me, and to take away some of my grief and sadness. Keith was 100% on board and just as eager.

Her name is Bella. She is a Rottweiler/Malamute mix. She’s 45 pounds and when full-grown will be about 85 pounds. She thinks she weights 10 pounds. I have a 45 pound lap dog and I couldn’t be happier. She is perfect for me and Keith. Just what our 2 person family needs.

I want to emphasize that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve when something bad happens. You just survive. You wake up each morning and make a choice and you put one foot in front of the other. Disappointment is a scary thing. It can lead to so many other negative emotions: jealously, fear, anger, hopelessness, sadness, etc. I have all of these emotions and some hit me harder at different times. It is how I choose handle them. Some days are harder than others and will be for quite some time. I wasn’t over the first loss and now I  have another one right on top of it. But like I said, I am strong. And I chant to myself everyday throughout the day:

I will be a mom. I will be a mom. I will be a mom.

My heart hurts. But I also know that I have a mother who loves me, a father who loves me and a husband who loves me. I have a puppy who loves me and dear friends who love me. And these people will be my rock and on the days when I can’t stand. They will stand for me.

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. samkanatzar permalink
    April 9, 2012 7:52 am

    Oh Kelly I am crying over my morning coffee for you. I am just so damn mad for you. This shouldn’t happen to anyone!

    I want you to know that what you’re feeling is OK! It’s OK to be mad, sad or whatever you want to be!

    Bella is adorable! I hope she gives you comfort when you need it most!

  2. April 9, 2012 7:55 am

    As they say, time heal all wounds. Blessings of comfort and love to you, dear one.

  3. lisa permalink
    April 9, 2012 8:04 am

    I really hope everything works out for you guys and soon. The dog is so cute and lucky to have you! Cant wait to see updates on her growing up 🙂

  4. Kim g permalink
    April 9, 2012 8:44 am

    You are an amazing lady! I’m glad you have such a loving family. Your attitude and determination are inspiring. And your puppy is a cutie!!!

  5. April 9, 2012 8:53 am

    Keith is an amazing husband! I just know that you two will be parents. I love your puppy. How old is she? I just want to squish her!

  6. April 9, 2012 9:27 am

    You guys are both in my thoughts, but I think having a puppy to look after and take care of will be awesome for you guys! there’s something about having a puppy around that makes everything cheerier.

  7. Elizabeth permalink
    April 9, 2012 10:33 am

    I am SOOO glad you got a puppy! It sounds so silly, but I swear taking care of my pup (he’s 4 years old!) got me through those saddest days. Hang in there- thinking of y’all-

  8. April 9, 2012 1:44 pm

    thank you for sharing your feelings & emotions. and I’m so glad you got a puppy! We’re all rooting for you and Keith and you WILL be a mama!

  9. April 9, 2012 2:32 pm

    Oh Kelly – just catching up on your blog and seeing all this. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and thoughts to you two.

    It isn’t fair. It is absolutely okay to be emotionally all over the place. Beyond regular emotions, you’re also dealing with hormonal emotions as your body adjusts. Cry when you need to. Yell when you need to.

    The pup is beautiful – although I’m going to have to get past thinking Bella Swan (which makes me think K. Stewart) when I read her name. She’s much better than Bella Swan. 🙂

    • April 9, 2012 5:17 pm

      Her name was Belle and I liked Bella better and since I loved Bella Swan (heh) it worked for me!

  10. April 9, 2012 3:46 pm

    Love how you sound in this post. I think it is so brave of you to be SO honest (and I know you will help someone else someday), and I love your optimism. I know you will be a mom too!

    • April 9, 2012 8:13 pm

      Thanks Allena. I am sure there will be days where I won’t be as optimistic. And we both know who I am going to call….

  11. April 9, 2012 6:44 pm

    Oh, Kelly. I was away from the computer all weekend and only just now got the news. My heart breaks for you and I so wish I could take this pain away from you. I know you are strong and I hope you get some answers you are looking for in the whole process of the testing. And, lastly, Bella is adorable. 🙂

    • April 9, 2012 8:12 pm

      Thank you Tina…it is just my path I suppose. I try to tell myself that I can’t change what has happened but I can try change my reaction to it.

  12. April 9, 2012 7:20 pm

    You know i am here. You can be whatever with me, angry sad, etc. I gotcha. ❤

  13. Paula permalink
    April 10, 2012 4:02 am

    I am so happy you got a puppy – Bella is adorable!! How wonderful that you have a loving and supporting family!! And you will be a mom!!

  14. April 11, 2012 7:18 am

    I’m so glad you got her! And when you do have kids (because you will!) they will love her too.

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