birthday
Well today is my birthday. I have so many mixed emotions about today.
I am turning 31.
THIRTY-FREAKING-ONE!
I fully expected to be 11 1/2 weeks pregnant today. Almost out of the first trimester! And instead I am still suffering physical side effects from my D&C.
If I am being truly honest I thought I would be 8 months pregnant today.
It has been a tough year. 2 miscarriages in 5 months. It’s hard to be celebratory. It’s hard to be excited.
BUT
When I look at my life I know I have some amazing things in it.
A fantastic family.
An amazing husband whom I couldn’t even breathe without.
A new puppy. My sweet Bella.
A house that I love in a great neighborhood.
I have been on some amazing trips around the US and beyond.
I have a great life.
So even though I have been tested this last year I should still celebrate. Right?
RIGHT!
So happy birthday to me.
May 31 be a year of blessings for me and for Keith.
let us help each other
Over the last week the outpouring of love I have received from you guys has been amazing. I have also been flooded with emails from people who have a story of their own. Stories that would break your heart and stories that would give you hope.
So many people have emailed me to say they think I am brave. Brave?? Brave for sharing my story publicly. I don’t look at it as bravery but more as a way for me to cope and deal. I have had so many people ask me questions they are too afraid to ask other people in their lives. Maybe it is the anonymity of the blog world that makes reaching out to a stranger easier.
I never wanted to be the girl people came to for advice on miscarriages. I can think of at least ten billion other topics I would like to give advice on. But I also know that part of my journey is helping others as well as healing myself. I can now empathize with these women versus simply sympathizing with them. And if I can help just one person to feel not so alone or to find comfort then I will.
Maybe some of you are struggling with questions or worry and maybe some of these topics will help even more people. Please remember that I am not an expert and everything expressed below is simply my opinion drawn from my own experiences.
Let us help each other.
Reader Question: I am not having regular periods. Sometimes I have one and sometimes not. Do you think I am ovulating or will have trouble getting pregnant in the future?
I believe women are meant to have monthly cycles and it is a signal that our reproductive systems are working correctly. I think if you are not having regular periods then you should definitely see your OBGYN or Family Practitioner. I am not qualified to say whether you are/are not ovulating but I think you should definitely get things checked out.
Reader Question: I had a miscarriage 6 months ago and I am too scared to try again. My husband is ready but I don’t know how I would handle the loss of a second pregnancy. What should I do? How did you know when you wanted to start trying again?
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is unfair on so many levels. I can’t tell you when to start trying again. Only you and your husband can make that personal decision. I know for me, I just wanted to try again as soon as possible so I could have a baby. I feel the same way now. But that’s me and there is no right or wrong decision. Good luck.
Reader Question: One of my dear friends had a miscarriage and I don’t know what to say to her?
You don’t necessarily need to say anything. I think what I appreciated most was just knowing my friends were there for me should I need to talk. My advice is just let her know that you care and are there for her and when (and if) she is ready she knows she can come to you.
Reader Question: I am having fertility problems and I am so scared I will never have a baby. Did you ever go through fertility treatments?
I am so sorry you are having trouble conceiving. Keith and I did not have any infertility. There was a time when I was not ovulating or having regular periods. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and started taking medication. I began ovulating about 2 months after taking the medicine and got pregnant soon thereafter the first time. I know that my OBGYN has support groups available for miscarriage as well as infertility. Maybe yours does too and it might be worth looking into if you are comfortable.
Reader Question: I think I might have hypothyroidism. How can I be sure?
You need to talk to your doctor. They can run a basic THS test (thyroid hormone) and see if you have elevated levels. If you do most likely you would be referred to an endocrinologist who would run a full thyroid and hormone panel.
Reader Comment: I had 4 miscarriages before bringing my beautiful son into this world. Don’t give up hope.
Thank you so much. I am so sorry you had to go through 4 miscarriages but am so happy you have a healthy baby boy today!
Reader Question: How do you deal with the feeling of envy and jealousy towards friends who are pregnant or currently have children?
It’s hard! No bones about it. It is difficult sometimes to see friends or bloggers get pregnant so easily but at the same time I wouldn’t wish my pain on anyone. My only advice is when you feel those feeling start to arise remind yourself why you are friends with this person and what they bring to your life. Then focus on the positive things in your own life that bring you joy.
Reader Question: I love that you got a puppy. Has is really helped?
A friend of mine who walked a similar and much harder path that I have so far got a puppy when she was going through her troubles. She suggested it to me. Keith and I had been thinking about it anyway since we put down our 16 year old dog last summer. Once she suggested it we knew it was the right thing to do. It has helped so much. I can’t even begin to explain. She is precious and Keith and I both feel like she was meant just for us. We have had her for 5 days and I can’t even being to imagine my days without her.
Oh and the friend I mentioned above has a happy ending to her story. 🙂
Reader Question: Are you really as positive in person as you come across on your blog? (note: I took this sentence out of context and there was much more to it)
Ha! Honestly, no? I tend to be a more negative, glass half empty kind of girl by nature but I don’t walk around all the time in a bad depressed mood either. I just tend to see the negative side of things first. But I am a strong person and even though I may not initially see the positive side of things I eventually get there. Plus Keith is the complete opposite of me and usually gets me to the positive side faster than I would probably get on my own.
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I hope some of these questions were helpful to you out there. I appreciate everyone who has emailed me with stories, comments, questions, concerns, etc. We are a great community!
how I cope with loss
First off, I want to thank all of you so much. The comments, tweets, facebook messages, emails, text messages and phone calls were amazing, comforting and just made me feel like so many people were rooting for me and Keith. Thank you so much and know that I appreciate it more than I could ever adequately express in writing.
I wanted to get down on paper (if you will) what the last few days have been like for me for my own peace of mind and for any others that I may be able to help. I have always thought that through my tragedies I want to be there for people wo have been me or unfortunately will be me.
Day of we found out (Tuesday): I was more numb than anything else. I cried some, not a lot, but really felt quite numb. I think I was a little in shock and disbelief and the full force of my emotions was still very much locked away.
Day 1 (Wednesday): The emotions came pouring out of me. I was hysterical at times and know that three overarching feelings consumed me. Anger, Sadness and Fear.
- Anger: I was so angry that this happened again to us. I was pissed off that in 5 months we had come full circle. (For new readers: Keith and I had our first miscarriage at the end of last October) I was angry at everyone who was pregnant or had babies. It all seems so easy for some people. I was so pissed off.
- Sadness: The sadness I felt for this loss was, at times, overwhelming. Hard, body-racking sobs spilled out of me for hours that morning. I firmly believe that no woman should ever experience the loss of a child, let alone more than once. It felt so unfair. Just so terribly unfair.
- Fear: So much fear consumed me. I felt hopeless. The first one could have been a fluke and now it was a pattern. Was I, am I, ever going to be a mom? Is this just going to keep happening? How many times will I go through this?
I also did not lean on Keith at all. In fact I had the complete opposite reaction. I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. I was very irrationally angry at him. I needed to be angry at someone and the brunt of that anger fell on Keith’s shoulders. I escaped and spent the entire day at my Dad’s house. I firmly believe that sometimes a little girl just needs her daddy.
Day 2 (Thursday): I woke up with a very deep longing for my husband. I apologized profusely to Keith for running out the day before. He, of course, told me not to worry and understood that as irrational as my behavior may have seemed it was okay because whatever I needed to do to heal was what he wanted me to do. I was clingy and didn’t want Keith away from me or out of my sight. I needed to be held by him. I wanted to be with only him this day. I needed him to love me and I needed to love him.
Day 3 (Friday): We had the D&C at the hospital. Keith was there. My mom was there. My dad was there. I remember looking at the three of them all sitting next to my bed and thinking that these were the three most important people in my life. I would never get through any of this without them. After the D&C I was in some pain and my mom took care of me and Keith. She loaded our fridge with ready-made meals from Whole Foods and just sat with me. Just her presence calmed me and it helped Keith to have her there taking care of him too. Sometimes I feel this has been doubly hard on Keith in the fact that he lost his child too yet no one takes care of him and he is the strong one for me. I didn’t cry once this day and by the end of it I was ready to put my fighting pants back on.
Now: I am still very angry. I am still very sad. I am still very scared. But I am a fighter. I am a strong person and I am not ready to give up. We are going in in 2 weeks to have everything checked out from the D&C procedure and the testing will begin. Blood and chromosomal testing. We will either figure out what is going on, or we won’t get the answers we so desperately seek but no matter we will not give up. We will be parents. I will be a mom either naturally with Keith or through adoption. But I have to believe that I will be a mom. Thinking otherwise will kill me and I am not ready to die.
The other thing we did was we went to the County Humane Society and got a puppy. Oh yes we did. After putting Kodi to sleep last June we were just waiting for the right time to get another dog and this was the right time. For us anyway. I need to mother something, to care for something, to have something depend on me, and to take away some of my grief and sadness. Keith was 100% on board and just as eager.
Her name is Bella. She is a Rottweiler/Malamute mix. She’s 45 pounds and when full-grown will be about 85 pounds. She thinks she weights 10 pounds. I have a 45 pound lap dog and I couldn’t be happier. She is perfect for me and Keith. Just what our 2 person family needs.
I want to emphasize that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve when something bad happens. You just survive. You wake up each morning and make a choice and you put one foot in front of the other. Disappointment is a scary thing. It can lead to so many other negative emotions: jealously, fear, anger, hopelessness, sadness, etc. I have all of these emotions and some hit me harder at different times. It is how I choose handle them. Some days are harder than others and will be for quite some time. I wasn’t over the first loss and now I have another one right on top of it. But like I said, I am strong. And I chant to myself everyday throughout the day:
I will be a mom. I will be a mom. I will be a mom.
My heart hurts. But I also know that I have a mother who loves me, a father who loves me and a husband who loves me. I have a puppy who loves me and dear friends who love me. And these people will be my rock and on the days when I can’t stand. They will stand for me.
when bad things happen….twice
I wish, really wish, I was blogging with a different kind of announcement.
Deep breath, her goes:
Keith and I were 10 weeks pregnant. I was going to announce it on the blog when we got to the 12 or 14 week mark. After having my first miscarriage last October I was extremely cautious with who I told. Things looked so good at our last several appointments and we were extremely optimistic this time around. However, we had our 10 week appointment yesterday afternoon and no fetal heartbeat was detected. It looks like we lost the baby at 9 weeks 1 day. We are in the process of scheduling a D&C procedure. That should happen either later this week or first thing next week.
The doctor assured us that this was a fetal development issue. Meaning there is nothing wrong with mine or Keith’s reproductive systems. When miscarriages happen in the first trimester it is because there are fetal development issues. Since we have now have had 2 back to back miscarriages and we have yet to have a child we will do a series of blood tests on me to test for certain things that could be hindering fetal development and growth. Things like Lupis, Diabetes, and a slew of other things including THS but we already know I have hypothyroidism. We will also do chromosomal testing on myself and Keith looking specifically for something called a chromosome translocation. This is where both, or one of us, would have all the correct chromosomes but they would be in the wrong order. So when our chromosomes combined it would result in fetal development problems. Should this be the case, it would ultimately mean Keith and I could not have children. But the doctor was quick to assure us that all of these things are very uncommon and more than likely we will never know the cause of my 2 miscarriages.
We are both pretty devastated. I think we both really thought this time around it would be the one. I didn’t want to be “that girl.” I am so angry right now and feel like life is so unfair. I just wanted to let everyone know what happened because I know for other people who have gone through, or are going through, this it may make it easier to know someone else who knows exactly how you feel. I appreciate all your love and support during this difficult time and I can say with certainty that this is one of the hardest things we have had to go through. But Keith and I are strong, we love one another, we will grieve together and eventually make our peace with this too.
What Kelly Said 