how i’m feeling
So. I’ve made it to 16 weeks! I thought surely when I made it to 14 weeks I would relax. Then 14 weeks came and went. I am now at 16 weeks and am still just as nervous and fearful as I was at 6 weeks.
I am trying. I am really trying to enjoy this pregnancy. But I feel like I’ve been robbed. Robbed of the joy that pregnancy brings. There are days when I do forget and am happy but more often than not even on those days when I am glowing with happiness lurking in the dark corners of my mind is the fear. Recurrent miscarriages will do that to a person I suppose.
The problem is I have definitely hit the second trimester high. All those nasty first trimester pregnancy symptoms are gone. I’m not sick, no more food aversions, I’m not tired anymore, and I have way more energy. In short, I feel like my old self again. I just feel like me, not a pregnant version of me. Most women can’t wait to get to this stage. But the problem is my baby is still too small for me to feel any movement and that makes me wonder. I don’t feel bad anymore and I don’t feel a baby…is everything okay in there?
My other fear stems from the fact that I don’t have typical miscarriages. I don’t get cramps and bleed. I have what you call missed miscarriages (which I’m told is very rare.) Meaning the baby dies and then my body for whatever reason holds onto the baby. My first miscarriage happened 3 weeks before and I found out when there was no heartbeat on an ultrasound. The second time it was the same thing only it was 2 weeks when I found out not 3. That scares me. Because my body doesn’t traditionally miscarry in the way you would think. And since my pregnancy symptoms have lessened and I can’t feel the baby move yet….I worry.
I guess what I am slowly starting to realize is that there will always be another milestone to get to. I can say well when I get to 20 weeks I will feel better. But you know what? When I get to 20 weeks I will say if I can get to 24 I will stop worrying. The truth is I am going to worry until I give birth. And then a whole new set of worries will kick in because I will have a BABY! I don’t think I will ever not worry. So the issue becomes how to cope and manage that worry? I almost feel like I need to give myself permission to worry and not beat myself up about it. But I also need to find the balance between a healthy amount of worry and an unhealthy amount.
Sobbing so hard I start hiccuping? Not a healthy amount of worry.
Googling every little thing? Not a healthy amount of worry.
I do visualization and that helps. It always makes me feel good and it makes me smile seeing, in my mind, a healthy baby. I talk to my baby all the time. I reassure him/her that this is a safe place and that we love him/her very much. I tell the baby to take whatever it needs from me to grow strong and healthy. I pray all the time for the baby and I make the effort to try and think two good thoughts whenever a bad thought enters my mind. It isn’t easy and I don’t always succeed on that last one. But I’m trying.
I’m really trying to hold it together, believe that this will happen, trust in my body, in God, and in my baby. I’ve never wanted anything more.