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how i’m feeling

May 21, 2013

So. I’ve made it to 16 weeks! I thought surely when I made it to 14 weeks I would relax. Then 14 weeks came and went. I am now at 16 weeks and am still just as nervous and fearful as I was at 6 weeks.

16 weeks

photo-58

I am trying. I am really trying to enjoy this pregnancy. But I feel like I’ve been robbed. Robbed of the joy that pregnancy brings. There are days when I do forget and am happy but more often than not even on those days when I am glowing with happiness lurking in the dark corners of my mind is the fear. Recurrent miscarriages will do that to a person I suppose. 

The problem is I have definitely hit the second trimester high. All those nasty first trimester pregnancy symptoms are gone. I’m not sick, no more food aversions, I’m not tired anymore, and I have way more energy. In short, I feel like my old self again. I just feel like me, not a pregnant version of me. Most women can’t wait to get to this stage. But the problem is my baby is still too small for me to feel any movement and that makes me wonder. I don’t feel bad anymore and I don’t feel a baby…is everything okay in there?

My other fear stems from the fact that I don’t have typical miscarriages. I don’t get cramps and bleed. I have what you call missed miscarriages (which I’m told is very rare.) Meaning the baby dies and then my body for whatever reason holds onto the baby. My first miscarriage happened 3 weeks before and I found out when there was no heartbeat on an ultrasound. The second time it was the same thing only it was 2 weeks when I found out not 3. That scares me. Because my body doesn’t traditionally miscarry in the way you would think. And since my pregnancy symptoms have lessened and I can’t feel the baby move yet….I worry.

I guess what I am slowly starting to realize is that there will always be another milestone to get to. I can say well when I get to 20 weeks I will feel better. But you know what? When I get to 20 weeks I will say if I can get to 24 I will stop worrying. The truth is I am going to worry until I give birth. And then a whole new set of worries will kick in because I will have a BABY! I don’t think I will ever not worry. So the issue becomes how to cope and manage that worry? I almost feel like I need to give myself permission to worry and not beat myself up about it. But I also need to find the balance between a healthy amount of worry and an unhealthy amount.

Sobbing so hard I start hiccuping? Not a healthy amount of worry.

Googling every little thing? Not a healthy amount of worry.

I do visualization and that helps. It always makes me feel good and it makes me smile seeing, in my mind, a healthy baby. I talk to my baby all the time. I reassure him/her that this is a safe place and that we love him/her very much. I tell the baby to take whatever it needs from me to grow strong and healthy. I pray all the time for the baby and I make the effort to try and think two good thoughts whenever a bad thought enters my mind. It isn’t easy and I don’t always succeed on that last one. But I’m trying.

I’m really trying to hold it together, believe that this will happen, trust in my body, in God, and in my baby. I’ve never wanted anything more.

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26 Comments leave one →
  1. May 21, 2013 8:45 am

    I feel the exact same way (except that I am not pregnant yet) about being robbed from enjoying pregnancy. It’s really not fair. But I guess you just have to focus on it one day at a time.

    I had a missed miscarriage too except that I did start to bleed like a week or so after the baby stopped growing. I never cramped though.

    • May 21, 2013 10:50 am

      Thanks Lee. I know you get it. I wish you didn’t get it…but hopefully everything works out for both of us. 🙂

  2. May 21, 2013 9:21 am

    I wish I had some good advice for you, but I have no experience. I would definitely keep making yourself think of two good things whenever a bad thought pops in your head since I’m sure it’s virtually impossible to get the bad thoughts out of there. Just keep working on those two good ones and try and push the bad ones out. Love ya girl and so happy for that little baby bump you’ve got going on! It’s so cute 🙂

  3. May 21, 2013 9:56 am

    I say, give yourself a few minutes a day to worry (without feeling bad about it) and then give your worries to God for the rest of the day. Easier said then done, I know but he can take over for you while you try and enjoy your pregnancy.
    I haven’t had a miscarriage but two of my best friends did at the same time I was pregnant. While I don’t know exactly what they went through, I was so worried about why they lost their babies and I didn’t. I kept thinking something bad was going to happen to mine too.
    For me it got easier to not worry once I started feeling the baby move. First it was like a little fish sliding around in my belly and soon after pokes turned into feet in my ribs. Everytime he moved it was like he was telling me “it’s ok, I’m still here”. I found that if he didn’t move for a while and I ate cherries he went nuts. 🙂

    • May 21, 2013 10:49 am

      Thanks Megan. I appreciate it so much. Hearing from moms that have been in this position makes me feel so much better.

  4. Kim permalink
    May 21, 2013 10:13 am

    I had a VERY hard pregnancy. Bed rest the ENTIRE time. It was so scary. What really helped me was talking to my baby, all the time. I would tell her (once I found out it was a her) how much we could not wait to meet her, to stay healthy, you know “positive” talk 🙂

    It helped me a lot. I was the queen of google, which was a big mistake. I felt the baby move eating pizza in San Francisco on a business trip (random) at about 17 weeks? Once I did, it did not stop. Once the baby gets bigger, you can do fun stuff like eat ice or really cold things to get them to move. I know I did!!

    You look great!

    • May 21, 2013 10:49 am

      Thanks Kim. I am so ready to feel that baby move and I am sure once I do and learn which foods make it move I will use that to my advantage. haha! 🙂

  5. marci permalink
    May 21, 2013 10:46 am

    You will never stop worrying, you just have to learn to live with it and not let it take over. You are right that there will always be another milestone you are waiting to get to. Talking helps, to a friend or therapist. There are also therapists who specialize in pregnancy and fertility and post-partum issues. I’m happy to listen too! For me, it helped to trust myself that I was doing all I could to give the baby a good place to grow, and you have to trust in a higher power for the rest.

    • May 21, 2013 10:48 am

      Thank you Marci. I appreciate all the reassuring words. 🙂

  6. Amber permalink
    May 21, 2013 2:53 pm

    hey Kelly, First, congratulations! I can say I’m feeling your same anxiety, or at least similar ones…i’m at 25 weeks and I think about how much she is moving every single day, whether or not she moved as much today as yesterday, etc…just as I was reaching the point of panic yesterday and thinking I needed to call my doctor, she started moving and I thanked God for calming me down. I love my new doctor and she’s been so comforting about reassuring me I can be that psycho mom, calling with questions and coming in for non-scheduled appointments just to get a heartbeat check for some peace of mind, whenever i need to. So far, I haven’t, but I definitely think I will need to a time or two before this baby gets here. I hope that your doctor is as patient with you and can offer you those things too! Just want you to know I’ve been thinking about you and you’re not alone in your worries 🙂

    • May 21, 2013 6:24 pm

      Thank you so much for commenting Amber. It means a lot to me! I pray for you often. My doctor is awesome and let’s me call or come in if I need to. So far I’ve only had one flip out and he was very understanding. This is the same OBGYN I’ve had through everything and he tells me all the time that I am acting very normally for my situation. It’s funny because I just keep saying that I want to feel the baby move! But I know once that happens I will get worried when one day there is less movement or no movement for a period of time. I know there will always be worrying and I can not imagine what I be like as a mom! Ha!

      Your little boy is absolutely precious and I know this pregnancy is going to work out for you! I just know it!!

  7. David Ward permalink
    May 21, 2013 8:13 pm

    Hi Kelly, I have everything crossed for you -babies bring a lot of stress and worry, especially after many losses. I don’t know how you and keith would feel about it, but Donita and I rented a doppler and that really helped with the stress and paranoia. It was only $20 a month from http://www.storkradio.com/ and every few nights when we’d worry I’d reach for it and listen to Evie’s heart beat..it was really comforting!

    • May 22, 2013 2:13 pm

      Thanks David. We’ve thought about it but my doctor cautioned us that sometimes the heartbeat can be hard to find and he was worried that it might freak me out eve more. But I am seriously considering it because the wait time in between appointments is awful.

  8. May 21, 2013 8:17 pm

    I can totally related to what you are going through. I will be 16 weeks on Saturday and have also experienced multiple miscarriages, including a missed miscarriage. I keep thinking if I can get to 20 weeks then I can relax and then 20 turns into 24 weeks when I hit viability, but the truth is I don’t know if I will ever feel totally relaxed during this pregnancy. I just keep telling myself positive affirmations that I have a healthy strong baby boy (I had the MaterniT21 test done!) growing inside me and my body and baby are doing exactly what they need to do to grow and nourish this pregnancy. Although, I do have moments of panic when I’m feeling just too “normal” and not pregnant and then I pull out my doppler to hear baby boy’s heartbeat and then I feel better…for a while! I know dopplers can cause some anxiety if you can’t find the heartbeat, so I limit myself to once a week and try to be as relaxed and calm as possible when searching for the little guy as he zooms around my uterus!! Hang in there and know you are not alone!! 🙂

    • May 22, 2013 2:14 pm

      Oh Wendy…you totally get it! Thank you so much for the sweet comment and it does help to reassure me to hear success stories like yours and to know that I am not alone. There are a bunch of really amazing women in it with me. 🙂

  9. May 21, 2013 10:19 pm

    I wish I could offer some bit of encouragement, but I know how it feels and I know that it’s hard. When I was pregnant with Weston I had placenta previa, which meant that my placenta was between my stomach wall and Wes, so I didn’t feel him moving for a lot longer than most women. It was horrible – but always a solid reminder to have some faith.

    Something a really dear friend told me (she had 2 miscarriages before she had her daughter) is that it’s all decided at conception. And it’s so hard to not worry, but that anxiety can’t be good for the baby so just keep doing the things that calm you down momma 🙂

  10. May 23, 2013 9:15 am

    I worried every day I was pregnant with Max. Not only that, for some reason I bled through most of that pregnancy which only made things worse for me. There really is no way to truly relax when you’ve been through so many miscarriages. I guess all you can really do is hope that things continue to move in the right direction and stay as positive as you can. I’m thinking about you and the little one! Love that little baby belly. So sweet!

    • May 23, 2013 3:57 pm

      Oh my gosh Sarena, I can’t not imagine your anxiety with the bleeding. That would be so scary. Thankfully Max is a beautiful boy who made it through!!

  11. Bianca permalink
    May 23, 2013 12:26 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but due to college, I wasn’t able to read as regularly. I’ve been praying for a long while that you and Keith would be able to conceive, and I am not lying when I say that I started crying when I saw your little belly in that picture. I am so happy for you!! I will continue praying that your pregnancy goes well, and again I’m so happy for you!!

    • May 23, 2013 3:56 pm

      Thank you so much!!! You made me tear up. I appreciate all the kind words, prayers and well wishes. Truly!

  12. May 27, 2013 8:01 pm

    Oh my! I’m just catching up with your blog and was so very happy to read your good news. I’ve been rooting for you two! I miscarried twice between my daughter and son and, as a result, was very anxious and worried for almost the entire pregnancy with my boy. I have no advice, other than knowing you’re not alone. I’ll keep you in my prayers – you and your cute little belly!

  13. Elizabeth permalink
    May 30, 2013 12:37 pm

    Congratulations! I have read about your journey- and I have to say- it helped me so much! We tried to get pregnant for two years with one miscarriage (also a missed miscarriage) in between. Here I am- 23 weeks!! Know that you will feel more comfortable. I was really nervous through about 14 weeks because I still wasn’t feeling great. Weeks 15-16 came & went- nerves started slipping away. Slowly, but surely, I got excited! What wonderful news for you!

    • May 30, 2013 12:46 pm

      Congratulations to you too!!!! That is very exciting news!

  14. Samantha permalink
    May 30, 2013 2:25 pm

    I just found your blog and thought I would say hi! and share our story. It helps the healing process I think. My husband and became pregnant in november and the beginning of december when I was 6 weeks along I knew something wasn’t right. I fully miscarried at home which I am now very grateful for, but it was hard emotionally. We were instructed to wait until I got my period to try and concieve again. The beginning of january i started my period, ovuated towards the end of january and superbowl sunday came and was 5 days away from my missed period and knew I was pregnant. I took a test and sure enough two lines. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I am just trying to take things day by day and hitting 20 weeks I can say that the fear doesn’t fully leave and I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying even after this little miracle is born : ) But I am so very excited and feeling blessed. So hang in there and come october and november (god willing) we will be holding our babies

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