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the real me

June 18, 2012

I am a very angry person right now.

This is hard for me to admit. I mean I try so hard to be positive and come across as a cheerful person with an “everything is okay” attitude and let me put this winning smile on for the world to see.

I smother everything so I don’t have to face the real possibilities of my life.

I know I said I was truly at peace with our decision to not start trying again until October/November and I truly am. But that doesn’t mean I am not pissed off at the world for having the two miscarriages prior.

And I mean royally f*cking pissed off.

I get that this is probably a very normal part of the grieving process.

But I try to ignore it. Smile. Everyone says that being angry isn’t good for my body. It isn’t conducive to getting and staying pregnant.

So I don’t act angry 24 hours a day like I feel.

Instead I get explosively angry at the small stuff.

Keith doesn’t unload the dishwasher…WWI. Keith comes home 30 minutes late and dinner gets cold…WWII. Keith takes a nap one afternoon instead of going to Costco like he said he would…WWIII.

And it isn’t just limited to Keith although he takes the brunt of it because he is who I am around the most.

I even get angry about things that don’t directly concern me….like desicions that other family members make. Any excuse I can find to be angry I am. All so I don’t have to face what I am really angry about.

I can’t face it because it is too big. It is too scary. It is too much.

How do you  handle multiple miscarriages while reading about a drunk woman who forgot her baby was in the car seat on the top of the car and drives off. Or the 16-year-old teenager who gets knocked up by some random guy she gives her V-card to. Or the girl who sleeps with a meth addict after a few weeks and oops…misses her period. And the list goes on and on and on. And yet I can’t have a baby. And I am far more qualified and better suited to be a mom than ANY of the women listed above.

HOW DOES SOMEONE HANDLE THAT?!

And no one can guarantee to me that the third time will be the charm or the fourth, fifth, sixth….any time. What if it keeps happening? What will happen to me? I feel like I barely making it as it is. I am a ticking time bomb and no one (not even I) know when my next bout of anger will spew and the vile things will fly out of my mouth that I feel like I can’t control.

Someone give me a rule book. Someone tell me how to feel, how to act, how to behave, how to cope.

Because all I know right now is I live in a vicious cycle of anger and guilt. I get angry and then I feel guilty. And then I get angry and then I feel guilty. I want to get off this ride but can’t find the exit. And what if I never do.

I can’t face it. In the rare moments like this when I finally get it off my chest I feel better for a little while and then slowly it creeps up again.

I know I should find a support group or something but I can’t hear other stories. The “I had 8 miscarriages and now have a beautiful little boy” stories. Because all I hear in that is “holy shit I can’t go through 8 miscarriages.” That is all I hear. I’m 31…I don’t have 8 miscarriages in me. I don’t. Physically I don’t.

Anyway…not sure what I needed out of this. Just to vent. To be real. To be myself for once. To not put on a show and to actually write down what is in my heart. To feel better even if it is only for a day.

To just lay it out there and show to you that I am damaged. I am not super woman. I am not admirable or strong or brave. I am not any of things.

What I am is just

angry.

 

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. June 18, 2012 8:57 am

    I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to be angry, I know I would be. Trying to ignore that anger isn’t good for you either. And if it helps you feel better to write about it and get it off your chest, then do it.

    • June 18, 2012 9:03 am

      Thanks Kelly. Honestly…I was (am) a little nervous how people will think of me after reading this. But sometimes I have to get it out to avoid an episode of mis-directed anger.

  2. June 18, 2012 9:12 am

    I ❤ the 'real' Kelly, anger and all. I think it's healthier to be angry than to suppress and pretend it's all okay. Just me, I'm no expert. If you ever want to come over and just yell, you can. 🙂

  3. June 18, 2012 9:20 am

    I think you have every right to be angry. You are entitled to feel the way that you feel. It’s better to let everything out then hold it inside until you explode. I’m guilty of doing that myself. I hope that by writing how you feel, it helps you heal 🙂

  4. June 18, 2012 9:30 am

    I think writing this post is very very good for you. If you ignore the anger, it’ll fester and as you said, it’s directed at everything else. Don’t feel like being angry is wrong. It’s not. What you’ve endured is not fair and it’s painful and being pissed off is just fine. Keep acknowledging the pain and anger so you can work through it. Yes there will be better momements than others; or the anger comes back. Let it come. Feel how you need to feel and write what you need to write. No judgment. This is your process .. your feelings. Do you – however that comes out. Love and hugs to you!

  5. Katie D. permalink
    June 18, 2012 10:01 am

    Wow! I just had a miscarriage last weekend and this is so good for me to read. I honestly, don’t even want to try to get pregnant again, I think a 2nd miscarriage would kill me. And probably end my marriage due to my horrible attitude and temper.

    • June 18, 2012 12:44 pm

      Oh Katie…I am so sorry. Please know if you ever need to talk about anything I am just an email away. 🙂 I felt like that too afterwards…that I NEVER wanted to try again. But we got pregnanct within 2 months of that first miscarriage and I thought this is it! Sadly it wasn’t the case. I think my grief stages have been like this so far: denial, sadness, fear, jealousy, anger….and who knows what comes next. I go back and forth between all those emotions all the time but one always seems to be more dominant and right now it is anger with a capital A. I hope times heals your pain and I will keep you in my thoughts.

  6. June 18, 2012 10:12 am

    Good for you. Seriously.

    I am glad someone is as angry as I am about the injustice and the unfairness of terrible things happening to good people. I have been in an anger tornado for the last few days. Death is so hard to deal with – whether it’s an unborn baby or a mother that you miss so much your soul hurts. Or both. I’m just a crying/angry mess while writing this. Hang in there Kelly – I hope things get better for both of us – but someone sent me a letter this week that said “You are entitled to feel however you feel for as long as you need to feel it.”

    Love to you.

    • June 18, 2012 12:42 pm

      My heart breaks for you all the time! It is so unfair! I know that at some point we will make peace with the things that happen but getting to that point is so damn hard. There is so much junk to work through. On my good days I know I will get to that point and on my bad days I feel like I will never get through this. Thankfully we both have a good support system in place and I love what you said above: “You are entitled to feel however you feel for as long as you need to feel it.” Perfectly said and it makes me feel not so crazy.

      Love to you too my friend.

    • June 18, 2012 1:55 pm

      I’d add on to Katie’s message and say that God doesn’t promise that you’ll never get hurt or that you deserve a baby more than someone else. All He promises is that He’ll never forsake you. It feels like you’ve been forsaken. But you haven’t. This period is a teeny hard spot compared to the MASSIVE amazingness that is to come. I fully believe that. There is GOOD on the horizon for you, Kelly.

      • June 18, 2012 2:04 pm

        Thanks Lindsay! I know we can all get sucked into our little world and not see the big picture or the blessings we already do have. That is something I am really working on. Getting rid of the tunnel vision and trying to focus on the bigger picture of my life.

  7. June 18, 2012 10:38 am

    Honestly, I’d be surprised if you weren’t angry. I know I would be pissed right off if it were me. Especially being bombarded with news about all these idiots that have children and then go ahead and mess them up. It’s not fair. I really hope writing about it helps you out at least a little. These are things that you need get off your chest. I think that’s the only way to get through it.

  8. June 18, 2012 2:38 pm

    sweet kelly, my heart hurts so badly for you right now. when we had our miscarriage last year i was completely and totally devastated. and anger was/is a HUGE issue for me, even to this day! it’s completely normal, and i have to second what Katie said above – you’re allowed to feel what you feel as long as you need to feel it. loss hurts big time. i’m still working through the fact that i even feel like i lost part of my pregnancy with Wes because of my fear of miscarrying again.

    all that to say that i’m praying for you guys. and if it helps at all, one of my best friends out here had two miscarriages in a row at 20 and 22 weeks, but then had the cutest baby girl about a year later. it can and will happen for you!

    • June 19, 2012 10:08 am

      Thanks Heather. I know what you mean about miscarriage robbing you of a happy pregnancy. Even the second time I was pregnant I was always worried. I feel like that will be the case with any subsequent pregnancy hereafter as well. It is just a part of it I guess. Doubt will always be an issue…not knowing if this time will finally be THE time.

  9. Tracy permalink
    June 18, 2012 3:01 pm

    I am 41 and never had kids….not by choice. I can’t say that I was angry, but sad. Very sad. I would see someone else with a baby and cry. I would hear the news of a pregnancy, wish them a cheery congrats, then go home and cry by myself. Why them…why not me? Why, why, why????? During the many years that we were hoping to have a family and didn’t, we had no idea WHY. Trying to understand WHY is nothing but heartache…unless the problem can be medically determined and there is a course to overcome it. If I have any advice to you, it is to not concentrate so hard on the WHY. You may never know. Give it up to a higher power.

    At some point, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Then, life got better. I focused my energy elsewhere — and in ways that made meaningful differences in other people’s lives. Honestly, we still don’t completely understand the WHY of no children as there is no medical reason. But, I am no longer sad. Life can be meaningful, productive, and HAPPY in the meantime…or always…you just need to make it so.

    • June 19, 2012 10:06 am

      I’m trying Tracy. I really am. I am stuck in that place of anger but I it is anger with hope. I am still very hopeful that Keith and I will get the baby we so desparately want.

      I am sorry that you and your husband were never ever to have children. I will never understand some of the mysteries of life that seem so unfair. But I love hearing how strong you are today and how you and your husband have managed to continue to be happy and live a very rich and rewarding life.

  10. June 18, 2012 8:14 pm

    I can imagine that nothing said can take away the pain and anger – all of which are completely understandable – so I’m giving you a big virtual hug and sending my love to you.

  11. June 19, 2012 4:46 pm

    Oh Kelly. I imagine the anger will slowly fade and that stifling it would only delay that process. I miscarried between my first and second full term pregnancies and the second pregnancy was a very stressful 9 months, as I feared another miscarriage each day. I literally dreaded going to the bathroom, because I was so worried I’d find blood. I wish I could say the fear goes away, but, for me, it didn’t. I didn’t breathe easy until the baby was out.

    Playing the ‘why me’ game is hard. I do it often, but then I’m forced to ask ‘why me?” about the good things too. There are millions of people with more character and of higher quality than me that are born into or find themselves in third world countries, oppression, hunger, exploitation and the like.

    I wish I could do something to take away your pain, even if only for a day. Thanks for being so honest.

  12. June 20, 2012 7:58 pm

    It’s okay to be angry. I’m going to echo the sentiments of other commenters and say that it’s much healthier to get your anger out there, whether it’s through talking, writing, whatever, than hiding it inside, trying to pretend that you don’t feel it.

  13. June 24, 2012 6:50 pm

    Sorry to JUST be reading this. I know that there are really no words that I can say to ‘make things better.’ I wish there were…I really do, because I would say them in a heart beat. I really cannot imagine what you are going through, and would question it if you WEREN’T angry. I think it’s better for you to just get it out & say how you REALLY feel. Don’t hold things in because you think people might look differently at you; this post actually makes me love your blog even more because of your honesty.
    I hope by the time you get this you are having a much better week/ weekend. I’m thinking of you Kelly! Xo

  14. Tracy permalink
    July 4, 2012 6:55 am

    I went through a miscarriage in April and am still destroyed by it. I can’t imagine 2 – the fear of the next pregnancy is crippling. I can totally identify with your anger and good for you for putting it out there. I don’t have any “advice” to give or anything like that, but sometimes it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone in my feelings.

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