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i’ll be happy when…

July 16, 2012

My mom always used to say to me, “Kelly, don’t say I’ll be happy when….because the problem is what if “when” never comes.”

She’s right.

If I say I’ll be happy when I have a baby then I have to face the fact that a real possibility (no matter how much no one wants to say it) is I may not have one. And then does that mean I won’t ever be happy because my “when” didn’t happen? What about today. The moment I am in right now.

I AM MISSING IT if I focus on “the when”.

I was driving in Austin this weekend, I saw a tattooed up, pregnant, homeless woman holding a sign on the side of the highway. My initial reaction was WTF?! You are pregnant.. Life is so effing unfair. Then it graduated to if she can afford to have tattoo sleeves she can afford to not be holding a sign on the side of the road. Eventually I moved to wonder how much money I could offer her to give up her baby to me.

All of this was at one red light.

All of this got me so worked up I literally was seeing red.

And all of this was incredibly judgmental and unfair on my part.

Hangs my head in shame.

She could be an extremely creative person living in the perfect place for creative minds: Austin.

She could have recently been laid off and feels like she has no other options. Maybe she got the tattoo sleeves when the economy was great and the money was rolling in.

She might make an amazing mom.

I realize that being less angry, less hateful and less judgmental makes me feel better. It makes me feel less like a victim. It makes me glad that of all the battles in this world (poverty, cancer, disease, infidelity, abuse, etc..) that my struggle is what it is.

Someone once told me that if everyone laid all their problems in a big circle for everyone to choose from; we would still go and pick our own. Why? Because we are comfortable in our struggles. We know how to face them.

It’s true. Given someone else’s struggle…I would still pick mine. I wouldn’t trade my life, my marriage, my family for someone else’s. Just like I wouldn’t trade my pregnancy struggles for someone else’s problems.

The grass is not always greener.

Since writing that anger post several weeks ago, I feel like a new person. I feel like I have turned a corner. Maybe now I am not so angry anymore. Maybe I am finally reaching acceptance of the last two miscarriages.

Maybe not. But today, right now, in this minute I am…okay.

I am just a person in a world where bad things happen. Sometimes they happen to me and sometimes they happen to other people. But I am not a victim. I don’t do the victim well.

Instead I am just me. I am just Kelly. I am only what I am and I hope that one day I am blessed with a baby of my own.

But even then…it doesn’t mean life will be perfect. I will still be me. I will still have struggles. Bad things will still happen. It will still just be life.

So I am not going to worry about “the when” and instead focus on “the now.”

Some days I will fail. Some days I won’t. But being aware of it only makes it that much easier to stay in moment and focus on the love I have…today.

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21 Comments leave one →
  1. Kalli and Bill permalink
    July 16, 2012 7:51 am

    Kelly this is an incredible post! Your honesty is humbling. Thank you for being the kind of person who is nakedly honest. I love ya girl!

  2. July 16, 2012 8:31 am

    Thank Kalli. I definitely use my blog as a healing outlet. 🙂

  3. kelly permalink
    July 16, 2012 9:25 am

    Great post. We all have struggles. Sounds like you are at a more peaceful place. I sure hope so… 🙂

  4. July 16, 2012 9:51 am

    Everything you said was perfect. With Brent’s new job, I get caught up in the ‘things will be great when he’s making more money’, and it is so hard to focus on what we have now being great. I love that at the end of the day you just keep trying. Because that’s all we can do. Also, I love those pants you bought. Insanely awesome. And y’all are dorks for sitting on the same side of the booth. 😉 Tell me how Ruby is after you finish, curious if it’s as awesome 10+ years later. I’ve thought about rereading all of those again. AND we forgot about the Heaven series too! So that’s 4 worth rereading, haha.

    • July 16, 2012 10:08 am

      Totally forgot about the Heaven series! I will definitely report back….I am super pumped to be reading them! Our bookclub selection this month was Andy Cohen’s Most Talkative. It was okay…but definitely some funny points if you are interested. 🙂

  5. July 16, 2012 11:16 am

    What an amazing post Kelly! You are so right, nothing is perfect. I can relate to so many of your feelings. Admitting the negative feelings is brave of you. I can especially relate to being mad that others are pregnant (and being embarrassed by feeling that way and upset that those thoughts would pop into my head). For me it was that I was battling cancer instead of getting pregnant with #2 like all of my friends. Now #2 is 8 and #1 is 15. There is so much joy in life! Good for you for embracing what you have now! All the same, I am hoping like crazy you get your baby!!!

    • July 16, 2012 12:12 pm

      You are so sweet, thank you. And you are suchh an inspiration…SO STRONG!

  6. July 16, 2012 12:10 pm

    Oh my gosh, I just love you Kelly. I swear your posts have gotten SO much more heartfelt and REAL. I love reading them, and honestly look forward to each & every single post of yours. Thank YOU for opening up & just letting it all out…good & bad. I am always thinking of you, and you are in my prayers! Xo

  7. July 16, 2012 3:25 pm

    Your mom is a very wise woman. I think we all go through feeling this way at times…at least I know I do!

  8. July 16, 2012 6:24 pm

    I think it’s very easy to get stuck in the “I’ll be happy when…” thing. I know I’ve thought, I’ll be happy when I lose weight, I’ll be happy when I get a new job, I’ll be happy when I move, etc at various points in my life and what happens is that I get so bogged down with those things that I forget to try to be happy in my day to day life like you said. And what also happens is that the things eventually happen, but they don’t make me happy. Sure, for a while, at first, but then the “I’ll be happy when”s start again with something new.

  9. Katie permalink
    July 17, 2012 11:07 am

    YES. 🙂 I am a worrier and struggle to be positive. It takes effort sometimes (who am I kidding, a lot – but it has gotten easier), but I focus on what I have (also a lot!) instead. Life isn’t fair, it isn’t easy, but I feel so lucky to have what I do that I try to simply enjoy it.

  10. Michelle {The Lively Kitchen} permalink
    July 17, 2012 11:46 am

    First – Gloria’s bean dip makes any day better. It’s a scientific fact. Just like muscles weighing more than fat. 😉

    Second – fantastic post. Learning to be content (and even happy at times) with your current lot in life is liberating and peaceful. Just wish I didn’t have to keep re-learning it….

  11. July 17, 2012 5:43 pm

    I still find myself in that predicament. Not necessarily I’ll be happy when…but getting anxious for things coming up and wishing time away in a sense. I hate that and I’ve tried to be more mindful of living in the here and now. It really is the best way to truly enjoy life. You know you deserve that happiness right now…although I do pray for you that it’s what you hope and dream in the future too.

  12. July 17, 2012 8:27 pm

    Another amazing post. And I couldn’t agree more with your Mom and with you! I do the same thing and have to remind myself to focus on “the now” also.

  13. July 18, 2012 1:20 pm

    Amen, amen, amen, lady. Seriously – so true. For me it was “it will be better when I don’t have to deal with this health stuff” but in reality, I ALWAYS have to deal with health stuff!! I realized that mayyyybeee I should figure out how to deal with it instead of pretending like it’s not happening. Are there some days where I’m angry and pissed off? You betcha. But I realized that the anger is only hurting ME. It’s such a struggle, but I totally get what you mean about realizing that and then feeling different because of it. I think when (got willing) I’m a mom, I’m going to tell my kids “Everything is a choice.” It really doesn’t seem like it when I’m dealing with a crap situation, but I really can choose how I live my life, my attitude, the people I surround myself with, etc. And this comment was totally a selfish reminder to myself of that fact – as well as a huge “I am so so so so with you!!! and thank you for sharing this!” 🙂

    • July 18, 2012 5:20 pm

      Oh Erin! You have no idea how much I admire you!! There are seriously times when I ask myself how would Erin handle this situation. I am so serious…hope that isn’t creepy! ha! 🙂

  14. July 18, 2012 3:50 pm

    I like this, Kelly.

    Your day will come. Until then, enjoy the inbetween!

  15. July 18, 2012 5:39 pm

    What a post such emotion. I was sent over from Kalli’s blog.
    I wish you only the best and my you enjoy all of your moments.

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