the real me
I am a very angry person right now.
This is hard for me to admit. I mean I try so hard to be positive and come across as a cheerful person with an “everything is okay” attitude and let me put this winning smile on for the world to see.
I smother everything so I don’t have to face the real possibilities of my life.
I know I said I was truly at peace with our decision to not start trying again until October/November and I truly am. But that doesn’t mean I am not pissed off at the world for having the two miscarriages prior.
And I mean royally f*cking pissed off.
I get that this is probably a very normal part of the grieving process.
But I try to ignore it. Smile. Everyone says that being angry isn’t good for my body. It isn’t conducive to getting and staying pregnant.
So I don’t act angry 24 hours a day like I feel.
Instead I get explosively angry at the small stuff.
Keith doesn’t unload the dishwasher…WWI. Keith comes home 30 minutes late and dinner gets cold…WWII. Keith takes a nap one afternoon instead of going to Costco like he said he would…WWIII.
And it isn’t just limited to Keith although he takes the brunt of it because he is who I am around the most.
I even get angry about things that don’t directly concern me….like desicions that other family members make. Any excuse I can find to be angry I am. All so I don’t have to face what I am really angry about.
I can’t face it because it is too big. It is too scary. It is too much.
How do you handle multiple miscarriages while reading about a drunk woman who forgot her baby was in the car seat on the top of the car and drives off. Or the 16-year-old teenager who gets knocked up by some random guy she gives her V-card to. Or the girl who sleeps with a meth addict after a few weeks and oops…misses her period. And the list goes on and on and on. And yet I can’t have a baby. And I am far more qualified and better suited to be a mom than ANY of the women listed above.
HOW DOES SOMEONE HANDLE THAT?!
And no one can guarantee to me that the third time will be the charm or the fourth, fifth, sixth….any time. What if it keeps happening? What will happen to me? I feel like I barely making it as it is. I am a ticking time bomb and no one (not even I) know when my next bout of anger will spew and the vile things will fly out of my mouth that I feel like I can’t control.
Someone give me a rule book. Someone tell me how to feel, how to act, how to behave, how to cope.
Because all I know right now is I live in a vicious cycle of anger and guilt. I get angry and then I feel guilty. And then I get angry and then I feel guilty. I want to get off this ride but can’t find the exit. And what if I never do.
I can’t face it. In the rare moments like this when I finally get it off my chest I feel better for a little while and then slowly it creeps up again.
I know I should find a support group or something but I can’t hear other stories. The “I had 8 miscarriages and now have a beautiful little boy” stories. Because all I hear in that is “holy shit I can’t go through 8 miscarriages.” That is all I hear. I’m 31…I don’t have 8 miscarriages in me. I don’t. Physically I don’t.
Anyway…not sure what I needed out of this. Just to vent. To be real. To be myself for once. To not put on a show and to actually write down what is in my heart. To feel better even if it is only for a day.
To just lay it out there and show to you that I am damaged. I am not super woman. I am not admirable or strong or brave. I am not any of things.
What I am is just
angry.
friday
FRIDAY!
Who has plans for the weekend?
We don’t really. It is Father’s Day which is exciting! My Dad and stepmom are coming over for a family day on Sunday. I couldn’t be happier. I am super close with my Dad and love spending as much time with him as I can. So Father’s Day for the win!
We are just going to grill. Keith makes KILLAH chicken! He smokes it with pecan wood and I swear my mouth starts watering just thinking about it. It is amazing. I have become so spoiled that just grilled meats don’t really do it for me anymore…I want my proteins smoked when on the grill. Keith has created a monster for sure!
Other than that weekend plans include lots of dog walking and a trip to the dog park for the spoiled little princess.
But you know what they say? A tired dog is a good dog and definitely makes for a happy Kelly. A very happy Kelly.
I also have a laundry list of chores about 8 miles long. I am so guilty about putting off chores and cleaning until it takes me an entire day to get everything done. I know it would make more sense to do a little each day and I always swear I am going to implement the room a day process and then promptly forget until the next marathon clean session happens and I am grumpy! Such an ugly cycle. Blech. Most people want a personal trainer or a personal chef…not me…give me a cleaning crew any day!
What do you have going on this weekend?
today is a good day
Today is a good day.
- I slept a full 8 hours and didn’t wake up once to go to the bathroom! Lovely.
- It was only 70 degrees here this morning (albeit it will be 95 this afternoon but it felt so good this morning) on my walk with Bella.
- Tonight I am going to see two friends who both got engaged last week! Love is in the air! Can’t wait to see these two ladies and some sparkly rings!
- I found out, thanks to Jocelyn, that my beloved Peyton Manning is now on twitter! SO EXCITED!!! @DenverManning18
- Every day that passes is one day closer to the Olympics!! GAH! I am so excited! Growing up as an athlete I always wanted to compete at the Olympics. I definitely get star stuck by those amazing athletes!!
- I have really been trying hard not to make frivolous purchases. I got my credit card bill this month and the total balance due was only $265. I did a happy dance in my kitchen and might have even kissed the bill. I have really tried to be conscious about my spending and it is paying off!!
- I am choosing to be happy today. I really believe that it is a choice. Yes, outside factors influence people’s moods and happiness but today I am really going to be happy because…
Today is a good day.
search me
I always find it amusing to see what people type into search engines that leads them to my blog. Seriously. If you have a blog and have never done it, you should. I guarantee it will make you laugh or at the very least smile.
So here are some of the more interesting ones I’ve seen lately:
1. What Should I Write on Facebook?
Hum…that would be a personal opinion but I would stay away from anything super political, judgmental and inappropriate. Anything else is probably fair game.
2. Sending Mail After A Breakup.
Um…probably not a good idea unless it is to return something of his. You don’t want to be that girl. And you know what I mean.
3. Is What Kelly Said Pregnant?
No. I am not. We are actually not even trying at the moment. We’re taking a break and enjoying our new puppy and each other. We’ll start again around Octoberish and hopefully the third time will be the charm. Even though I still have bad days I am truly at peace with that decision.
4. Sweet Potato Pasta Sauce.
Um…yes I do have a recipe for that. Hope you found it. It’s amazing!!! Like lick the bowl and contemplate not sharing good! Recipe here.
5. Should I Mix Peanut Butter and Marshmallows Together?
I would say yes. Go for it. And maybe add some chocolate while you’re at it.
6. Will Coffee Kill Me?
Well goodness! How much are you drinking?
7. Who’s Bella?
My puppy although I have a sneaking suspicion that isn’t to whom you were referring. Sorry!
8. Is WhatKellySaid depressed?
Oh, thanks for the concern but I think I am good. Depressed wouldn’t be my word choice. Jealous, Scared, Angry…oh yeah those sound much better. Kidding. Really I’m much better now. One day at a time.
9. Is Kate Middleton in London?
I would assume so but the next time we chat I’ll be sure to confirm and report back.
10. And for the most common: What Kelly Said.
Lately? Not much but I am feeling a spark coming on….
What’s your favorite search engine term you’ve found related to your blog?? (And obviously I use the term “related” loosely.)
What Kelly Said 