I’ve been sitting on a secret
I have been sitting on a secret. A big secret. Here’s the thing about a secret. If no one knows then it is safe. No one can judge. It makes it less scary when only you know because if you fail or if it doesn’t work out you haven’t disappointed anyone. It would be like it never happened. Only you would know. That is how I feel. I feel like right now my secret is safe. I don’t have to worry what anyone will think or how to explain myself if I fail. I like not having that pressure. I have never been a big fan of pressure.
I’ve alluded to it here and here, but wasn’t ready to explain or talk about it. I think I’m ready now. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I don’t feel like I have anything left to lose. Have you seen Bridesmaids? I have. I didn’t like the main character, Annie. I didn’t like her because it hit a little too close to home. I know I come across as a happy go-lucky type of girl but truth is I am lost. Really lost and I have been for a very long time. Professionally. I am lost professionally.
I should give you some background. I graduated from Texas A&M University in 2003 with a Bachelors in Business Administration with an emphasis in Human Resource Management. When I was in high school all I wanted to do was be teacher. When applying to A&M I had to actually apply to different schools with a first and second choice. I used the college of education as my first choice and then because I didn’t have a second choice I used business. I got into both and found out it was important to my Dad that I get a business degree. So I did. I got the business degree. I graduated and for the next 5 years floated around in corporate America in training positions and human resource positions. I hated it. HATED IT. In fact I would cry every Sunday about going to work on Monday morning. It was horrible. Finally, Keith couldn’t take it anymore. He asked me what I wanted to do. I remember feeling so lost and helpless and I told him I didn’t know. He pushed further and asked me what interested me.
Well at that time the only things I had an interest in were running. It was definitely my distraction mechanism. (I mean let’s be real here) So I told Keith that running and exercise is what I liked. So he said fine get certified to be a Personal Trainer. I thought PERFECT! So I did. Then I thought nutrition would be interesting so I got certified in that and became a Nutrition Specialist. Well now let’s fast forward a few years. I realize that I have NO TRUE PASSION for either of those things. I like to exercise and I like to eat healthy but I don’t have a real career interest in those things. Make sense? I was just too obsessed with them (in a negative way) and thought I had a passion for them. I don’t. So I am back at square one still trying to find the answer to the question….WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE??? I’m 30. Thirty!
So my therapist (yes I have a therapist…that can be another post for anther day but I think it is the best thing I have ever done for myself) asked me what would I do with my life if degrees and education didn’t matter. As in what would I do tomorrow if I could. She said it could be anything from a writer to a surgeon to a lawyer. Degrees don’t matter…I am qualified to do anything in this scenario. So I sat there and quietly thought about it. I opened up every single possibility…I mean if degrees don’t matter than who cares what I pick. And I kept coming back to just wanting to be a teacher. It is really all I have ever wanted to do. All I ever said I would do. In high school I planned on it. But then I got distracted and got off path. So I did it! I applied, got accepted and have gone back to school to become certified to be a teacher. The beauty is I can still do my current job. I can still personal train and still cook for clients all the while. It all works out.
I know this isn’t an ideal time to be looking for a teaching job, but by the time I finish hopefully things will start looking up. I am getting certified in Math, Science, Social Studies and English for grades 4-8. I feel like I am finally getting to the core of what I want to do with my life. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure it out. But at least I’m doing it and far other people aside from me have started new careers at much older ages. So hopefully I am going to be okay.