What Kelly Said

Sometimes I treat my blog as my own personal journal. This is one of those time. Today I am talking about my marriage.

In my more insecure days it wasn’t enough for Keith to tell me that he loved me. I wanted to him to tell me why he loved me. The why was more important than hearing the actual words. Now it’s usually a joke between us. Every so often if I say, “I love you” he will grin and say, “oh yeah? Why?” This usually results in me rolling my eyes and giving him a playful shove. But it got me thinking about what exactly love means to me. I also am reading The Happiness Project for my book club (Actually I am reading it aloud to Keith every night) and there is an entire chapter dedicated to what she does to improve her marriage. She explains that her marriage is/was fine to being with but that there was always ways to make things better. I totally agree with that. No one person is perfect so therefore no marriage with two people is perfect.

Gretchen Rubin, the author, talks about a few points and a couple of them really hit home for me. One was to “Fight Right.” She talks about how every couple fights and that research shows that it isn’t about how often you fight but how dirty you fight that affects your happiness. Here’s the thing. I am a dirty fighter. I am a hit-below-the-belt-and-keeping-on-punching type of fighter. I am quick to anger, quick to blow up and fairly quick to calm down. Keith, on the other hand, is a slow boiler and tends to be a little more passive aggressive in his fighting techniques. In looking at our families I think it is safe to say that we learned these behaviors. Neither one is good but it is just the way we both are. Recognizing it and then working on it is the best way to try to “fight right” so that we (even when we are upset and angry) can still show our love for one another. We’re working on it. I am working on not seeing how loud I can scream and what comment I can make that will be the meanest and Keith is working on letting me know when I start to irritate him rather than waiting 2 months and make passive comments along the way. I have heard of all kinds of techniques in which people fight holding hands or fight naked. I don’t think I am there yet…but working on using an indoor voice instead of a pitch that would rival most NFL coaches in the lockeroom is something I can start with.

Another thing Gretchen talks about that really hit home for me was her need for gold stars. What does that mean? Basically she needs constant praise and recognition for a job well done. When I got to this part in the book Keith was literally trying to stifle his laughter to the point where he was snorting. 😉 It is so true. Keith is really great at handing out “gold stars” when he appreciates something I have done but when he doesn’t I feel like he doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. This is entirely NOT true and reading about Gretchen’s experience made me realize that Keith is very appreciative of everything I do even if he doesn’t tell me every single minute. So instead I am focusing on doing things like making the bed, cleaning the kitchen, etc, not because I want Keith to say good job but because those things really do make me more happy.

Gretchen also talks about not taking her husband for granted. I think Keith and I both do this without realizing it and we both got a reality check this past summer. We both went on vacations that didn’t include the other. First I went to Arizona to see Katie and Lori and then about a month later Keith went to San Diego with some of his friends. When I got home from my vacation Keith kept telling me he realized how much I do around the house. And then when Keith was gone I realized how much he does. I was literally exhausted when Keith got home. I think it helped us both to see that we each have important roles in making our lives and household run smoothly. So whenever I start to feel like I am doing everything myself I think back to when Keith was gone when I really was doing everything myself and I realize that we are both working together a a team.

Finally let’s talk about snapping. I will use it in an example. I have a competitive streak. I hate to lose. To the point where sometimes doing things with me isn’t soooo much fun. I want to win all the time. I am trying to let that go a little. Scrabble would be a lot more fun if I didn’t pout when Keith gets a triple word. Why not just tell him good job on a great play? It doesn’t make me feel good when I snap some biting comment. All this does is make me feel guilty and ashamed of my behavior and then because I feel so guilty I snap again. Not because I am mad at Keith but because I am mad at myself for acting so childish. So I am working on being more aware of the comments that come out of my mouth and if I do slip and snap at Keith I am trying to recognize it before continuing the cycle.

So there it is. All the things that one book made me think about. It’s a great book and I think that it has something for everybody in it. Above all it makes me realize how lucky I am to have Keith. We are a great team with a lot of love between us and that is really special.

Do you do any of the things I mentioned above?

What do you think the biggest challenge is in a relationship?