What Kelly Said

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love you gave me without even knowing what had happened. The comments and emails did not go unnoticed even if I did not respond to all of you.

I know I don’t have to tell you what happened but it seems like the more times I say it out loud the more accepting I become of what can not be changed.

I was pregnant.

11 weeks. For those of you who follow my blog regularly you know how Keith and I struggled to get pregnant. I wrote about my fertility struggles caused by hypothyroidism many times. You can read some of those posts here and here.

When I got the positive pregnancy test we were thrilled…obviously…it took so much for us to finally get to that point. I was so excited to tell you all and was waiting until the 14 week mark to break the big news.

Last Saturday night, I started having some intense cramps. I wasn’t bleeding but I could tell something felt off.  I called the doctor and he said to come in. The last ultrasound I had the gestational sack measured 7 weeks 5 days, on September 30th, and everything looked 100% normal. Strong heartbeat, good vitals, etc. Anyway I went into the ER and they did an ultrasound and found no fetal heartbeat and the gestational sack was only measuring 8 weeks 3 days old. So sometime over the last 3 weeks the baby died but my body just didn’t miscarry on its own. I went in on Sunday morning for the D&C to have the dead fetus removed.

I’m just angry, confused, sad and scared that we won’t be able to get pregnant again. We are allowed to start trying again after I have 2 normal periods. I called my fertility doctor and she sees me on November 17th for routine blood work and more hormone tests. We do get a pathology report back sometime next week.

I don’t have words to express how I feel. It’s not fair. I am just lost. I feel like someone ripped away my dreams in one second. Keith and I are left trying to pick up the pieces from a dream we were both so invested in.

I am angry.

I am devastated.

I am scared I won’t be able to get pregnant again or that if I do this will happen again.

I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know how to go back to normal. I feel like I am functioning on autopilot.

I know that this is common. Many people have told me they either have gone through this or know someone who has. It doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t help me to feel like I will eventually get my baby.

So that’s the story. That’s what happened.

I feel stuck. I can’t go backward. I can’t go forward. I am just here.

One foot in front of the other. That’s just what I have to do.