focusing on step one
Thank you all so much for such sweet words on my last post. You guys rock and as much as it sucks that other people are going through this too, at least I know I am not alone.
So here’s the deal.
I saw my OB/GYN on Friday and he has officially referred me and Keith to a fertility specialist clinic. At first there was no need for Keith and I to see a fertility specialist because we were getting pregnant all on our own. Albeit we were miscarrying but we were conquering the first battle of conceiving. Then I stopped having monthly cycles. Just stopped. Out of the freaking blue.
We played with my thyroid medicine after discovering through blood tests that I was over-medicated. That didn’t work. Then we did a round of Clomid. Not only did that not get me to ovulate, that didn’t even get me to have a cycle. So my OB said that we are officially out of his expertise and need to see a specialist.
There is no explanation that he can find for why this is happening. There is no reason that I cycled normally, got pregnant (twice), continued to cycle normally and then just stopped.
Our appointment with the fertility specialist isn’t until January 29th. Part of me wishes it was tomorrow but I will take what I can get at this point. Plus school starts back up on Monday and I will have work to fill my thoughts and distract me from all….this. Thank goodness!
I never thought my blog would become about chronicling my journey to be a mom. But it is what it is. Now I have t0 focus on trying to get pregnant and after that I am sure I will face an entirely new set of fears. I don’t trust my body at all. It hasn’t shown me that it can do it. In fact it has shown me the complete opposite. It freaks the eff out when it gets pregnant. But I just have to take this one step at a time. Or else I will suffocate. So step one. See the fertility specialist.
Step One.
That is all I can focus on right now. Just step one.
And until then, I can just focus on Keith, Bella, and my students at school. If I can’t be a mom to my own kids then I might as well be a teacher to someone else’s.
I’ll take it.
not what i was expecting
Happy New Year! I hope 2013 proves to be a great year for all.
Honestly, I’ve been kind of in a bad mood since the New Year. I usually start the beginning of the year with a sense of peace and excitement at what the next 365 days will bring. This year I just feel sad. Every year I write Keith a holiday letter that I read to him sometime between Christmas and New Years. It usually just recaps the year and talks about the things we experienced. I like to think when I am 60 they will be fun to go back and read. I’ve been doing it since the first year we got married in 2006.
I was going back and reading some of the past ones I have written and I realized that every year since 2010 I have ended each letter with some sentiment about the upcoming year being our year to have a baby. I can’t believe it is now 2013 and that hasn’t happened. Truth? I am not okay. I am so far from okay that I don’t even know what that means anymore.
I look in the mirror and all I see is this broken woman. A woman who can’t seem to make a baby. Two years, two miscarriages and now fertility problems..I feel like I am on the brink of losing it. I am so close to the edge. I am trying very hard to stay positive because I know positive thinking can do wonders for the body. The problem is I don’t tend to be a positive person by nature so that is hard for me. People tell me all the time how strong I am and yada yada yada. I don’t feel strong. I feel broken. I feel like I have failed myself, my husband, my parents. And I am at “that age”….the baby having age…so everyone asks me when I am going to have kids. Keith and I have been married 7 years and people want to know where is the baby?
I wonder too. Where is my baby?
I see an acupunturist who tells me to acknowledge the emotion I am feeling and then let it pass instead of just focusing on it. I try. I am trying.
I just feel like each year is a year of possibilities and instead this year I just feel sad. I also feel like I am being selfish in not being grateful for the life I do have and the amazing things in it. I have an amazing husband, a very supportive family, a job I absolutely love, the best puppy ever, and great friends. I am torn between feeling like that should be enough. I am healthy and have a body that allows me to work out and live a full and rich life. I should be grateful for my blessings. So then I feel guilty and selfish that I still want more. I am a mess, no?
Sorry to be such a downer but I find my blog to be the one place where I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. I don’t have to fake it.
Thanks for listening friends.
happy holidays from the brunemans
I know I have been MIA lately but school is out in 2 days and then I will have 2 weeks to get back in the blogging game. I wanted to at least pop in and wish everyone a happy and safe holiday season. Cheers!
Happy holidays from me and Keith!
it’s december
WOW! It is really December? Really?
I guess when you are still wearing flip flops, shorts and using the AC, December can kind of sneak up on a girl. I think every year I complain that it is too stinkin hot to be December yet I have to remind myself that February is our coldest month. I seem to forget every single year. I have these visions of lighting the fire, sipping my hot coffee while snuggled in my down blanket. And the reality is right now I am sitting in boxer shorts, a tank top and sweating my ass off while drinking my piping hot coffee. How’s that for a warm and fuzzy December moment? The reality always seems a little less cozy. 🙂
I had to run errands yesterday and I wore jeans for the sheer fact that it’s December and my fashionista mother would be appalled to see me running around town in shorts and flip flops. I complain but let’s be honest, a real winter would eat me alive. It would chew me up and spit me out faster than I could zip up my coat.
I see the irony of it all. Believe me, I do.
So aside from my this summer-like December I am living in, I don’t have much going on. Actually I’m lying. I’m a teacher, I ALWAYS have something going on. 🙂 Last night I slept for 12 hours. 12 HOURS people. I was so tired. You know those Snicker commercials, “You’re not you when your hungry?” Well mine should be, “You’re not you when your tired.” I was exhausted. And poor Keith could do nothing right. Good thing he has thick skin. And making him pancakes this morning didn’t hurt my forgiveness case. (I use all the tricks up my sleeves that I can!)
Here some more irony for you, although I complain about being tired I am thinking about starting to train for another half marathon. I know. I know. But I’m bored with my current workout routine and not having any structure stresses me out a little. So if I have a plan to follow I think it would be a lot better. Plus I found a training plan that only requires 3 days of running and that is definitely more my style than running every day. I would shoot myself. We’ll see. I am not committing to anything yet. I am just thinking about it.
I started another book because I have so much free time to read books. 😉 But it is so cute so far! It is called Following Atticus. It’s a true story about a man and his dog Atticus. And I mean come on, anyone who names their dog after Atticus Finch (that’s from To Kill A Mockingbird for those of you who think I am crazy) is my kind of guy!
It’s cute. I’ve been reading out loud to Keith at night and even he agrees. We’re early in the book, like Chapter 3 or something, but so far it has been quite entertaining with several laugh out loud passages. There have been times when I’ve had to reread something because Keith can’t understand me through my giggles. I love books like that and I feel like it is the mark of a really good writer!
Alright, well it’s Sunday which means I have laundry to do, a date with Bella to go to the dog park, and some TV time with Peyton Manning. Enjoy your day friends!
What Kelly Said 