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not what i was expecting

January 3, 2013

Happy New Year! I hope 2013 proves to be a great year for all.

Honestly, I’ve been kind of in a bad mood since the New Year. I usually start the beginning of the year with a sense of peace and excitement at what the next 365 days will bring. This year I just feel sad. Every year I write Keith a holiday letter that I read to him sometime between Christmas and New Years.  It usually just recaps the year and talks about the things we experienced. I like to think when I am 60 they will be fun to go back and read. I’ve been doing it since the first year we got married in 2006.

I was going back and reading some of the past ones I have written and I realized that every year since 2010 I have ended each letter with some sentiment about the upcoming year being our year to have a baby. I can’t believe it is now 2013 and that hasn’t happened. Truth? I am not okay. I am so far from okay that I don’t even know what that means anymore.

I look in the mirror and all I see is this broken woman. A woman who can’t seem to make a baby. Two years, two miscarriages and now fertility problems..I feel like I am on the brink of losing it. I am so close to the edge. I am trying very hard to stay positive because I know positive thinking can do wonders for the body. The problem is I don’t tend to be a positive person by nature so that is hard for me. People tell me all the time how strong I am and yada yada yada. I don’t feel strong. I feel broken. I feel like I have failed myself, my husband, my parents. And I am at “that age”….the baby having age…so everyone asks me when I am going to have kids. Keith and I have been married 7 years and people want to know where is the baby?

I wonder too. Where is my baby?

I see an acupunturist who tells me to acknowledge the emotion I am feeling and then let it pass instead of just focusing on it. I try. I am trying.

I just feel like each year is a year of possibilities and instead this year I just feel sad. I also feel like I am being selfish in not being grateful for the life I do have and the amazing things in it. I have an amazing husband, a very supportive family, a job I absolutely love, the best puppy ever, and great friends. I am torn between feeling like that should be enough. I am healthy and have a body that allows me to work out and live a full and rich life. I should be grateful for my blessings. So then I feel guilty and selfish that I still want more. I am a mess, no?

Sorry to be such a downer but I find my blog to be the one place where I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. I don’t have to fake it.

Thanks for listening friends.

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35 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2013 10:21 am

    I’m so sorry, Kelly. I don’t have the right words. But just want you to know I’m thinking about you and what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you.

  2. January 3, 2013 10:24 am

    It’s okay to feel that way Kelly. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows and I hate more than anything when people always pretend like it is. Someone will always have something you want, or be prettier or thinner, or have a better relationship…but sometimes what you see on the outside isn’t always what’s on the inside. I know you want a baby more than anything in the world and I can only imagine the frustration and pain you are going through. Instead of bottling it all inside you, it’s good to get it out! This is your blog, so you vent as much as you need. We are all hear to listen and give the best advice we possibly can. We love you!

  3. January 3, 2013 10:25 am

    I understand what you are going through. I was were you at this fall. I am better now…still not pregnant but feeling optomistic that it will happen. I hope that you feel better about it all soon.

    • January 3, 2013 2:54 pm

      I’m so sorry Andrea. Hugs to you for all you’ve suffered. Thanks for the ecouragement. 🙂

      • January 4, 2013 5:17 pm

        Thank you for writing this post. I helps so much to see how many of us are out there sometimes it can feel like we are the only ones going through this’d struggle.

  4. January 3, 2013 10:37 am

    i’m going to have to just mirror what mering4 said. you really have to keep that advice in mind when you see someone elses life…i know i do! like you, it’s hard for me to be positive, and i often find myself envying other people. but, things aren’t always what they seem!

    anyway, i hope this is the year for you guys. don’t get discouraged, and focus on the good things (as hard as it can be sometimes, you just gotta do it).

  5. January 3, 2013 10:42 am

    kelly, this makes my heart break for you. i am thinking of you, my friend. as for feeling guilty for feeling bad, please don’t. i understand these feelings because, honestly, life could ALWAYS be worse, but adding feelings of unrest and guilt to your sadness is heartbreaking. you are allowed to be hurt, mad and sad. even if your life is a pretty darn good one otherwise. reminding yourself of your blessings should make you smile and feel grateful, not be a source of guilt. hug keith and your sweet dog and laugh with your family and friends, but cry and be mad when you need to be. you’re human and trying to be happy ALL the time is just impossible.

    • January 3, 2013 2:57 pm

      Thank you Julie. I think that is where I struggle the most. I let the good things in my life act as a source of guilt versus a source of peace. I am constantly torn between wanting to be satisifed with my life yet taming the ache for a family that haunts my soul. I then tend to beat myself up for not being more grateful and more selfless. It is such an ugly ugly cycle. But to hear all of you guys telling me that I am not selfish, or bad, or ungrateful makes me feel better. It makes me feel like maybe just maybe what I am feeling is normal.

  6. January 3, 2013 10:44 am

    Oh Kelly. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but I know that there’s not. Just know that I’m thinking of you and praying for you!! I hope 2013 brings you many blessings both expected and unexpected.

  7. Fit and Forty Something permalink
    January 3, 2013 10:48 am

    kelly, thank you for sharing this with us. i am glad you are experiencing your feelings and letting yourself go through them. please do not feel guilty either. feel your pain girl. i wish there was something i could do for you to take away the pain though. all i can offer is cry, be angry and then conitnue living a good life. i am sure once your body is ready you will be ready. much love and hugs!

  8. January 3, 2013 11:00 am

    Hi sweet Kelly, this post broke my heart. I’ve so been there friend and please feel free to email me I’d you ever need anything. We used fertility treatments, and I know it can be frustrating, expensive, and scary. That being said, modern medicine is capable of amazing things these days. Hang in there and don’t lose hope!

    • January 3, 2013 2:57 pm

      Thank you Heather. I will probably be emailing you soon.

  9. January 3, 2013 11:08 am

    I feel like this too. Jason is always trying to tell me to be positive, but it’s so hard for me. Like you, I just have a tendency to think of the worst case scenario (for me, it is also something fertility related, for which I have a doctor’s appointment again next week) and it’s very hard not to because that is where my mind goes too.

    If you’d like to talk, feel free to email me. I know I haven’t been through quite the same things as you have, but I completely understand the frustration and pain of not being able to have a baby when it seems like everyone else is.

    • January 3, 2013 2:59 pm

      I am so sorry Lee. I hate hate hate that for you and Jason. It makes me so angry too, you know? Why is it that some of the best people have the hardest time having babies when others don’t. I will probably be emailing you soon. Hang in there too honey and I hope that we both get our babies soon.

  10. laura permalink
    January 3, 2013 11:13 am

    You know what? You DO get to be mad, upset and sad. Don’t beat yourself up even more for feeling like you don’t appreciate what you already have. It’s OK to be mad, cry and pissed off. I’ve been there. Let yourself be those things – anyone that tells you different doesn’t know what that situation feels like. I battled secondary infertility for 1.5 years – and it was brutal. (((hugs))) I hope you have someone you’re close to that you can talk to – that helped me some. My husband didn’t understand the emotional rollercoaster it was. I’ll send positive thoughts your way, everyday.

    • January 3, 2013 3:00 pm

      Thank you Laura. I appreciate this so much. It is weird how someone telling you it is okay to be mad can help. I am sorry you went through what you did and I am so grateful for your kind words.

  11. January 3, 2013 12:14 pm

    I always read, but don’t always comment but just wanted to say, I am so sorry. This is such a heartbreaking post. I’m glad you can use this as an outlet, and I hope you have other outlets you can reach out to too. I’m sure you’ve heard a million times over all the positive things that will eventually come out of this, so I won’t even go there – instead I just want to say, I’m sorry, this sucks and it’s just not fair. Sending positive thoughts your way and much hope for a blessed 2013 year.

    • January 3, 2013 3:00 pm

      Thank you so much Caitlin. Thank you. Thank you.

  12. January 3, 2013 12:27 pm

    Major hugs to you, friend. I had a “this isn’t fair” pity party the other day where I just sat on the couch and cried – sometimes they really do help! I have to reschedule a doctor’s appointment and I really don’t want to call. Like if I don’t reschedule that means I can pretend everything is totally fine…but I know that’s not responsible or good in the long run. This rambling message is just to say I’m here for you, I support you and sometimes things just totally suck. And it’s okay and you’re more than allowed to feel your feelings. And then sometimes things don’t suck at all. I’m hoping 2013 is much more of the latter for you. xo.

    • January 3, 2013 3:01 pm

      Oh Erin. My heart breaks for you all the time. I feel like I don’t have a right to complain in your presense. You are such a strong strong person and I draw on your strength a lot. You have no idea how many times I tell myself…”What woud Erin do, say, think, etc….” I just admire you so much!

  13. Kelly Podzimek permalink
    January 3, 2013 1:58 pm

    Thank you for this. I feel the exact same way…two miscarriages in two years. It just hurts and people don’t get it. So thank you for sharing and being brave to do so.

    • January 3, 2013 3:02 pm

      I am so sorry Kelly. So very sorry. Here’s hoping that 2013 is a year of goodness and blessings for us both.

  14. Charla permalink
    January 3, 2013 2:07 pm

    Aww, sweet Kelly. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I’m so sorry for your struggle with fertility. I can’t say I know how you feel, but I do know I’d feel the same way. It’s ok to feel mad, angry and all those other emotions, but don’t carry around the burden that because you are healthy and have a loving family that you have to act grateful all the time for that. Your family and friends are here to pick you up and hold you up when you’re down. So lean on us all.
    I’m praying for a good 2013 for you in all aspects! Love you girl! ❤

    • January 3, 2013 3:03 pm

      Thank you Charla. I love you. 🙂 I do struggle so much with the fact that I don’t feel grateful enough. 😦

      I haven’t forgotten about running…I think I have an idea of what my schedule will alllow so I will email tonight.

  15. Elizabeth permalink
    January 3, 2013 3:07 pm

    While I hate that you feel “yuck” starting 2013, I have to admit I felt a sense of relief when reading your post. Relief because I’m not the only one feeling this EXACT SAME WAY about 2013. We started the baby journey in mid-2011, and one miscarriage and MONTHS of doctors appointments, blood tests, etc, etc etc later- no baby. I’m so hopeful for 2013 (for me and you and all the others going through this), but it’s hard, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit glum this week. I’m thinking of you!

  16. January 3, 2013 4:16 pm

    Oh Kelly, this completely breaks my heart. I know things have been hard and quite crushing for you the past couple of years. I hope you find your answers this year. I want that baby for you so badly. Try to keep your chin up and don’t lose hope. I’m thinking about you and Keith. Big hugs to you my friend.

  17. January 3, 2013 4:31 pm

    Aw, I’m so very sorry. I think it’s good to let it out. Hugs!

  18. January 3, 2013 5:03 pm

    Kelly, I know a little bit about how you feel because I’m at “that age” too and while my husband and I are trying too…we don’t broadcast it to the world. Then, the blunt friends and family tend to be brass and ask, “Why don’t you guys have kids? What’s the hold-up?” So, so, so, so irritating. I hope that 2013 is yours and Keith’s year (and ours) and that you have the ability to stay positive in a situation where it is SO hard. Keep your chin up and continue telling us how you feel on your blog. It’s your blog and you can say what you want and how your truly feel, it’s therapeutic! I love reading about you and your life and you truly ARE a strong woman!

  19. Krista permalink
    January 3, 2013 7:13 pm

    Kelly I 100% know how you feel.. I’m at 5 rounds of clomid, 2 rounds femara, and now waiting to start injectibles.. Looking back at 2012, getting pregnant was the ONLY thing on my mind.. I pray that I can keep the positivity and remember the amazing things I already have in my life. ITS HARD! I cry, get mad and confused.. I pray for good things to come our way this year and thank you so much for your openness on the blog!

  20. January 3, 2013 9:01 pm

    Kelly, I feel so sad for you, friend. I can feel your heartbreak and despair. 😦 You shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling all of the things you feel– it’s okay to be grateful for what you have, but to also feel cheated and angry about not getting what you so badly want and deserve. You’ll have the family you deserve some day, I know. Just hold on and give it a little more time, sweet girl.

  21. January 10, 2013 9:16 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way Kelly. I don’t really know what to say, but just know I am thinking of you and your family.

  22. Kate permalink
    January 26, 2013 9:23 am

    Hi there, I just happened on your blog through some chickpea flour pancakes… and anyways I haven’t been following you and so forgive me if this information is not useful, but you may consider reading the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. You can definitely find it on amazon (with about a thousand five star reviews). MANY people find success with it in having a baby. I personally use it for natural birth control. It is really a life changing book. All the best to you!

    • January 26, 2013 10:07 am

      Thank you!!! I will definitely buy the book. I am covering all angles. I see an acupuncturist, drink the fertility herbs, see a western fertility specialist. So might as well use the book too!!! Thanks!

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