a working mom
I go back to work in 13 days. For those who don’t know what I do, I’m a public school second grade elementary teacher. I absolutely love my job. I think I’m good at my job. I look forward to my job. I never once entertained the idea of not going back to work after having Trey. Partly for financial reasons and partly for the reasons mentioned above. When I was pregnant it was hard to know how I would feel about certain things. Returning to work certainly falls into that category.
10 weeks post partum I see the 12 week deadline fast approaching and I am filled with all kinds of emotions. Part of me wants to throw a tantrum complete with kicking and screaming because I’m not ready. Then there is a part of me who wants to go back and do the job I love so much.
The thing is I know I have the perfect job to be a mom. Summers off, lots of built in breaks throughout the year, and good hours. I also work at a great school with some remarkable people. I know all that and remind myself often. I guess I wasn’t prepared for how much I would love my son. I know that sounds weird but until I had him I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how many sacrifices I’d willingly make and not think twice about until he was born. Up until that point my primary concern had been myself and now I’m second. I willingly put myself second to him right how. Becoming a mom changed me overnight and I absolutely love it.
I know I can’t stay home but a part of me doesn’t want to leave. I’m scared he won’t understand. All he’s known his entire life is me staying home with him and now all the sudden on a day that is just like every other day to him I won’t be there. It breaks my heart a little. It breaks my heart a lot. At 9:30 instead of having Trey asleep on my chest I’ll be teaching Math. Then the fear rises up: Will he remember me? Will he like the nanny more than me? Will I stop knowing him and what he likes and dislikes? Will he forgive me? Will he be okay without me? Will he be safe? Will he thrive and learn? I know he’s only 3 months old but these are the real fears I have.
Then there’s the fear of balance. How will I do it? How will I fit it all in? How will I be a good teacher, mom, wife and still find the time to take care of me? How will I do it? Can I do it? I realize every working mom has gone through this. I know I was meant to be a teacher and I love being in the classroom. I also know I’ll adjust, Trey will adjust and we’ll all be fine. We will find our groove.
It’s just hard. And I’m sad. Any working moms out there willing to share their tips and advice?