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state of {my} marriage

July 24, 2013

So. Supposedly marriage is hard. I guess sometimes I am waiting for the hard to start. I mean don’t get me wrong some days are hard but overall marriage has been pretty good to me and on most occasions relatively easy. If someone asked me to say the first word that popped into my head about marriage, hard would not be it. Keith and I are very compatible. We are actually complete opposites. And Keith is easy. He’s easy to get along with, easy to be friends with and easy to love. I can not imagine a better man for me than Keith. He gets me, knows how to handle me and vise versa. We are pretty dang lucky in my opinion.

So let me tell you the number one things that bugs me the most. When people say things like:

  • “Kids change everything”
  • “Marriage is going to be so much harder with kids”
  • “Just you wait and see your sex life is over”
  • “Marriage is soooo hard with kids. You’ll see what I mean in a few months”
  • And on and on and on….

It drives me CRAZY! I usually just smile and nod and act agreeable. But in reality I want to tell them to stop being such a killjoy. I am sure adding a child into the mix makes marriage a little harder. No doubt. You have less time to focus on one another, there is someone in the house 100% dependent on you at all times, you are tired, you can’t take spontaneous date nights, etc. But that doesn’t mean I am willing to just throw in the towel and admit defeat. To accept that my marriage will never be as good as it is now just because I have a baby. NO! I am completely unwilling to accept that. And maybe because I am unwilling to accept that I won’t let it happen.

I am not trying to say that my marriage is perfect. Because perfection doesn’t exist in anything we do. I am not trying to say Keith and I never get into fights and I don’t ever call my mom to bitch. Because we do and I do call my mom a lot. But at the end of the day hard just isn’t the word I would use to describe my marriage. And I absolutely refuse to believe that our best days are behind us now that baby Trey is coming. No freaking way.

I remember when we got married lots of people had things to say like, “marriage kills a relationship” or “Just wait until the 7 year itch.” Well to those people I say that marriage has made my relationship that much better and stronger and Keith and I have been married for 7 years now and there’s no itching on either side.” Ha! Maybe those people are the same ones who make the comments now. The ones who haven’t ever been happy or haven’t ever experienced a really good relationship that adds value to your life.

I know this shouldn’t bug me. I know that. But it does. It so does. Why do people think that just because I am sporting a baby bump that this is the time to fill me with dread about the upcoming state of my marriage?

Here’s the thing, my marriage is just fine and the upcoming state of my marriage is just fine too. So leave me alone and take your negative, killjoy, pessimistic advice to someone else.

Rant done.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. July 24, 2013 7:21 pm

    Positivity perpetuates positivity. Fortunately I feel the same way as you do: love my hubs, pretty easy relationship, new baby will make things different but in a good way. I always ask couples that have been married over 25+ years and they always say hard work and focus on the bad stuff. I want someone to tell me the great parts of being married for so long. I think it would encourage young people to stay in their relationships longer.

    • July 24, 2013 9:13 pm

      I agree! I think people should focus on the good things in a marriage. If someone asked me today how Keith and I have been married for 7 years? I would say our secret is that we laugh. We laugh a lot and laughing is good for the soul and a marriage.

  2. July 24, 2013 7:39 pm

    those people don’t know you and keith. Obviously. I think kids will bring even more JOY! ❤

  3. Amanda permalink
    July 24, 2013 11:01 pm

    I think kids bring out our selfishness. So I can see why some people say marriage is harder after kids. They’re probably the same people who are quick to complain about all of their husband’s faults, instead of remebering that they themselves are far from perfect.
    Once you have kids you can’t be solely focused on yourself (or your spouse) all the time. You have a child that needs you. There will be moments where you will think “I didn’t realize it would be this hard” but the sun rises and you realize that one day the sleepless nights will end and even if they don’t, that sweet baby is totally worth every minute of “hard”. And you and Keith will grow closer and depend on each other in ways you didn’t know you’d have to.
    Children have made our marriage stronger and I have no doubt it will do the same for you two.

    • July 25, 2013 4:31 pm

      That makes a lot of sense Amanda. I think you and Allyn are a great example of a happy marriage! I ❤ you!!

  4. July 25, 2013 3:33 pm

    No doubt having kids changes your relationship with your spouse. Here’s the thing I’ve learned the most from having kids and being married for 18 years…if you can accept your partners change and understand the other person for these changes, then your love for one another will grow. I am more in love with Tony now than I was when we met. That man still gives me butterflies in the pit of my stomach. After all he’s seen from me and all the things I’ve gone through physically, he still makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful person on the earth. Never let anyone tell you how things will be. You and Keith sound a lot like Tony and I in how your relationship is not hard, however, Tony and I are pretty much exactly the same, not opposite at all. Change happens, it’s all how you deal with it that makes it good or bad. People that tell you it will change for the worse, don’t accept these changes. Also, let me tell you, there is nothing like seeing your husband hold his baby. Nothing. You will fall in love with him all over again, but this time the love will be different…it’s better. I promise!

    Kelly, I am so excited for you and Keith!

    • July 25, 2013 4:29 pm

      Thanks Sarena! I can not wait to see Keith as a dad! It excites me. 🙂 You and Tony have such an inspiring marriage!!

  5. July 26, 2013 12:47 pm

    Wow, I can’t believe some of the stuff that comes out of people’s mouths sometimes! I would never even consider telling a pregnant woman about “negative” side effects to one’s marriage from a child. I totally get how you feel and would probably have the exact same reaction. Let those nasty comments roll off you and keep being your cute, sweet self and enjoy this pregnancy and baby Trey! You’ve earned it!

  6. July 28, 2013 7:36 am

    I know what you mean– people loved to say things like that to me when I was pregnant. I think because Ryan and I had a lot of freedom– long breaks, lots of traveling, etc.– people loved telling us how DIFFERENT our lives would be after kids. And I always thought, well, no shit, Sherlock. 🙂

    I will say though (NOT to join the naysayers)– those people had a point. I think like most things with kids, I knew the people were right, but I just didn’t know exactly how they were right. I knew life would be harder, but I didn’t know how. I knew labor would be difficult, but I didn’t know how. So much of what happens with childbirth and EVERYTHING after is just something that you have to experience and feel for yourself before you can understand what people are talking about. Which is why those warnings are so ridiculous and unneeded, ha.

    What I will say is that having Lila has definitely made marriage harder, but it has also made our bond 100 times stronger. The hard parts DO wear on you. Ryan and I are starting to learn that we have relatively different approaches to parenting, which, frankly, has lead to some ugly bickering and tearful discussions, especially now that Lila is getting older and actually needs to be “parented”, aka disciplined. It’s a stressor, I’m not going to lie. But, as I said, the flip side to that is that you get to see your partner as not just a husband, but as a father, and that, for me, has been pretty amazing. In fact, I’m pretty sure that a lot of our fights stem from my insecurities over the thought that he is better at parenting than I am, haha.

    I don’t know; this comment has gotten long. I guess I’d just say that yes, having kids does make marriage infinitely harder– and we had a very easy marriage, pre-Lila. But, it also makes it more intense in the best ways possible. So it evens out, I guess. 🙂

    • July 28, 2013 8:15 am

      I see what you are saying and maybe the reason I get so defensive stems from own insecurity that those people are right. Which doesn’t just scare me, it terrifies me. It seems like the people who do it the most are Keith’s family too, specifically his siblings. But as an outsider looking in I haven’t ever thought that his siblings have particularly “good” marriages. But I didn’t come into his family until after his brother and sister were already married with kids. So were their marriages good before? Did kids change it all? I’m not sure. I don’t have a comparison. But it bugs me that they make the comments they do. Sometimes I feel like they are jealous of our marriage and in order to make themselves feel better tell us (and themselves) that we’ll be more like them after we have kids. I don’t know…it scares me and makes me mad all at the same time because I don’t want to be like them. Not for one minute.

  7. July 29, 2013 2:41 pm

    Having Adrienne made our marriage SO much better. We now have this little tiny thing that WE created and love more than anything in the world. It’s incredible. Honestly, our first year of marriage was the toughest, and it just keeps getting easier and easier! Even with kid(s)! ❤ Don't listen to those naysayers. (and I think we have sex more because we just want more and more and more babies…hah)

  8. August 12, 2013 1:49 pm

    Thank.you. My husband and I have been married for a little over one year, and though we’re not planning on starting a family too soon, I’ve already heard comments like this. You know what else I’ve heard? “Just wait until you have kids — you’ll never get your body back.” Encouraging, right? So I’ll hate my body and dislike my husband? No, thanks ;).

    My husband and I recently sat down with my 82-year-old grandma, who was married to my grandpa for 55+ years before he passed away, and she said having (5) kids was one of the best things she did. Yes, it might be scary at first, but it’s worth it. So I’m just going to take her advice, and hope that my marriage only grows stronger as we continue in this journey :). I’m sure that you and your husband will only grow closer!

    • August 12, 2013 3:42 pm

      Wow! What an amazing testament to marriage your grandparents are. 🙂 I have faith that Keith and I are going to be fine and I think having a baby will only make our relationship stronger.

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