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unanswered prayers

July 12, 2013

This might be a heavy post…fair warning. 😉

The thing about having multiple miscarriages is that it affects different people in different ways. For me, I was overcome with such anger. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at friends who were pregnant and friends who had kids, myself, Keith, even God. I was angry at the entire world for every and no reason at all. And the thing is I didn’t even have it as bad as some people. I knew that. I still know that. I was angry at myself because I couldn’t reconcile my feelings. I felt lucky to have such a good life but I also felt like it was incomplete. I just didn’t know how to handle my feelings and they manifested themselves in the form of anger.

I was even cold to people who probably didn’t deserve it. People who had what I wanted. I tried to stay friends but it was too hard. I didn’t go to baby showers, call to check in, and I let some people just drift slowly out of my life. I really didn’t know how to handle how I felt. It was so much easier to avoid the people who made me think about the life I wasn’t having. I realize now that this was a very selfish attitude. If I could go back and handle things differently, I would. In a heartbeat. I was with a friend the other day who had 7 miscarriages in a row coupled with fertility issues and she was a much better person than I. She hosted baby showers for her friends. Me? I walked out on friendships. Honestly, I am a little ashamed but I also know that I was in a lot of pain and I was coping as best I could. I go back and read old posts of mine and my pain and anger are palpable. My heart breaks rereading them.

The other day I was driving in my car and the Garth Brooks song, Unanswered Prayers came on the radio. For those of you who don’t know that song (first of all are you living under a rock?) it is about a man who prayed to God to marry his high school sweetheart. He didn’t and at a high school reunion years later he sees her and realizes that God’s greatest gift to him was unanswered prayers because his current wife was the best thing that happened to him. That song not only transplanted me right back to high school but it also made me think about my current situation. Maybe God’s greatest gifts ARE unanswered prayers.

As much pain and anger as I felt over those miscarriages had either of those pregnancies happened I wouldn’t have baby Trey in my belly right now. And that is hard to fathom. I also wouldn’t have Bella. That is impossible to imagine. We got her the day after the second miscarriage and that dog means more to me than I could ever put into words. I also wouldn’t be a teacher. I was in the process of getting certified to be a teacher and I was substituting. The odds of me getting a job would have been slim had I been pregnant and then I fear I would have lacked initiative to job hunt if I had a baby at home waiting for me. So…I now have a job I love, a dog I love, and soon to be a son that I already love so much.

I really really like my life. Like a lot. And I fear had either of those pregnancies not resulted in miscarriage I would have greatly altered this life I like so much. I don’t believe things happen for a reason. I don’t believe in fate. In fact one of the things that used to make me so angry was when people would say my miscarriages happened for a reason. I HATED that. That made zero sense to me. Why would crack babies be born or babies to teenage mothers be the right reason?? No, I believe that we live in a universe of free choice and free will and there are a lot of random acts that make absolutely no sense that happen every single day. The randomness of life is what makes it so scary and so great all at the same time.

I guess that tonight when I go to bed I will be thankful for the friends who stuck by me and opened their arms back up to me in recent months, I’m grateful for my Bella, my life, my job, baby Trey….

and unanswered prayers.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. Allena permalink
    July 12, 2013 10:42 am

    And I am crying in the Starbucks parking lot. Patty always said the same thing. She was devastated by her miscarriages but now wouldn’t want it any other way bc she wouldn’t have miles or Blair!

  2. Cait permalink
    July 12, 2013 11:25 am

    I resonate with this post so much. I think that God does have a plan – and those unanswered prayers are part of the plan.. which will eventually guide us to the greatest gifts of all!

  3. July 12, 2013 12:50 pm

    This is a really good post, Kelly. I often think of a quote (okay, it’s a Dave Matthews song lyric) that says, “I will go in this way and find my own way out. I’m only this far and only tomorrow leads the way.” I interpret that as meaning that shit happens sometimes, bad shit, but we don’t know what’s going to happen next and we’ll make it through the bad shit because good shit happens too. (Sorry for my excessive use of the word “shit’!)

  4. July 12, 2013 1:21 pm

    I know I’m so thankful for many of my unanswered prayers. And God always answers with what He knows will bring the greatest good. Sometimes it’s hard and a path that sucks…but it still leads to a greater good that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. So happy for you and can’t wait to see little Trey not too long from now. Because it will be here before you know it. 😉

  5. July 12, 2013 1:46 pm

    Beautiful post. I feel very much the same way about the timeline of our life! Hugs, mama.

  6. Rebecca permalink
    July 12, 2013 5:07 pm

    thanks, Kelly. I had a miscarriage on sunday. it was my first (hopefully my last) and very early, but I still couldn’t believe how many feelings it brought up. I spent a few days very sad, disappointed, and scared. I feel a lot better and very positive about next time, but I can see how easily my feelings could get so out of control if this happens repeatedly or if “next time” takes too long. it’s tough, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and are meant to be…and from my experience, it’s usually true! So excited for you and can’t wait to see pics of Trey!

    • July 12, 2013 5:08 pm

      I am so sorry Rebecca. I hope that you are able to get pregnant again quickly and that it is the perfect pregnancy. I am thinking of you….

  7. July 12, 2013 8:17 pm

    I had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant after cancer treatment (I had one baby before that). I was devastated, but ended having another a year later. I can’t imagine not having the one I got, so I totally hear you!

  8. July 13, 2013 10:58 am

    Another great post!

  9. July 14, 2013 8:14 pm

    God had his plan all along. It’s so hard to trust that when you are hurting. But wow, He sure did come through and show you that path.. I love it. Love your heart! ❤

  10. July 17, 2013 6:08 am

    You’re not alone in the way you behaved. I have a hard time digesting the whole “God had a plan thing”. I can’t imagine or accept that God would punish me in this way and make me suffer through multiple losses.

    I’m dealing with a shit show right now: 1 20+ week twin loss, 1 early twin loss and now a diagnosis of a uterine septum that is likely the cause of all my issues. I’m angry, sad and feel defeated a lot of the time. If that means that I can’t handle a baby shower or being around a pregnant friend then it has to be that way for the time being. We cannot compare how we each grieve as individuals or how we deal with situations differently.

    My friends understand and sympathize with my situation. If they judge my lack of interest and deem it to be cruel then they are not true friends in the first place ya know?

    Baby loss is the worst type of loss IMO because we grieve for the future we should have had.

    • July 17, 2013 8:34 am

      My fertility doctor tested me for a uterine septum before pregnancy with just a vaginal ultrasound. He said everything looked good and he didn’t see evidence of a septum. He ordered a dye test to check everything out including to make sure no septum was present but I got a positive pregnancy test the morning of the dye test. So, while I am elated to be pregnant I do wish sometimes that I had had the dye test in order to know 100% sure that everything was okay. I still have my freak outs ALL the time and I’m 24 weeks pregnant now. I just don’t think it will ever go away and then once my baby is born a whole new set of worries will set in I’m sure.

      They “think” and I use that term in quotes because no one can ever know for sure that my miscarriages were caused by an infection (an STD actually) called Ureaplasma. It is an STD that can live in your cervix for years without presenting any symptoms until pregnancy. It can cause miscarriage, infertility and even stillborn babies. The test was really simple…just a cervix culture and the treatment was antibiotics for both me and Keith. So I am hoping that that was my problem from the beginning. Have you ever been tested for that?

      Hang in there sweet girl. I am so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through. The dream to be a parent is sometimes very primal and while it can be so easy for some people for others it can be a journey. I hope and pray that at the end of your pregnancy journey there is a beautiful baby waiting for you.

      Hugs.

      • July 17, 2013 4:06 pm

        I’ve had complete testing done with an MFM and RE. I have zero issues except for a single gene mutation of MTHFR which as I’ve been told is a non-issue when it comes to getting pregnant. We are treating it anyway just because well doing something is better than not right?

        My first loss was due to IC, the babies were born at just shy of 21weeks and at the time the blamed my cervix. With this last pregnancy which didn’t make it past 8 week they were able to visualize a subseptum at the viability ultrasound. Essentially, I’ve been told that the subseptum likely restricts the amount of space the babies (because I seem to fertilize 2 at a time) have and consequently my cervix cannot deal with the pressure and dilates prematurely.

        I’m in the process of setting up the hysteroscopy and resection and have my first appointment with the surgeon next week. 🙂

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