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October 5, 2011

Hate is such an ugly little emotion.

There are actually very few things in life I actually hate. Lima beans and ranch dressing being two of them.

But how many times have you said “I hate this” or “I hate that” when really we just mean we dislike something not necessarily that we hate it.

But I am here to confess that lately I have fallen victim to the word hate and all that it means.

When I stop to ask myself do I really hate that person? I think I really do.

I have tried. Lord have I tried. But coupled with a few of my (not so flattering) personality traits (I hold grudges and once I write you off I am pretty much done with you) I can’t seem to make myself not hate this individual.

That makes me sad because this person is in my life to stay and this person affects other relationships around me.

What do I do?

Wait, don’t answer that because really I am not looking for an answer.

Really I have accepted it. Really I am ready to just write it off as the way things will be forever.

But then I think about what the means for some of the other people in my life and my self-assurance falters.

I know I am being vague.

But this is a public blog and I am not willing to hurt the people I do care about by revealing names and the story.

I’m sorry. This is such a downer of a post.

Do you think it is ever okay to personally hate someone?


28 Comments leave one →
  1. October 5, 2011 7:08 am

    i agree that hate is a strong word. my mom told me that saying you “hate” someone means you basically wouldn’t care if they died. (awful, i know.) i obviously don’t know your situation at all, but i know that hating someone or strongly disliking someone DEEPLY affects me and my personal happiness. it’s hard to handle people who are truly awful and, in your opinion, don’t even deserve kindness because they never give it themselves and don’t pour “goodness” into the world. maybe it’s because i hate confrontation, but i always go out of my way NOT to see or be near people like that (though it sounds like you have no choice but to be around them which is awful). another tactic is forgiveness. it sounds crazy, but honestly working hard to forgive someone for their faults (SO MUCH easier said than done) really can help me regain control over my emotions and find peace. also, i didn’t find this post a “downer” post at all – i found it real and relatable. it’s hard handling less-than-sunny emotions, but they’re emotions we all experience.

    • October 5, 2011 9:54 am

      Well when it is put like that…I don’t hate this person because I wouldn’t wish for them to be dead. That would be horrible. I am not so great at forgiveness because I am a grudge holder. I have tried and tried to let things go and even when I think I have let go of something (maybe even years later) something will trigger it and it will all resurface in all it’s hideous glory. But I guess the real problem would be if I quit trying.

  2. October 5, 2011 7:11 am

    the short answer is yes, I do think it’s okay to hate someone. You and I are very similar (based on what I know about you from your blog haha) and I don’t have a lot of hate in me either. But if someone has hurt you or something you love repeatedly and is not sorry/tried to make up for it then I think it does give you a reason to hate someone. You especially shouldn’t feel bad if you have tried to like them (which is seems like you have).

  3. Leighann permalink
    October 5, 2011 7:43 am

    I think the strong emotion of “hate” hurts you much more than the other person. It is tough not to hold a grudge when someone has hurt you badly, but it will eat you alive. As tough as it is, I think you have to sometimes forgive someone for yourself, not for the other person. I have experienced this first hand with someone I also can’t just walk away from either. Tough situation all the way around and thanks for bringing up a subject that we can all relate to.

    • October 5, 2011 9:55 am

      It is does probably hurt me more. Look at the time and emotion spent invested in it. I am working on forgiveness….for me that is a big step.

  4. October 5, 2011 8:13 am

    I know you, and I’m not sure you could ever really truly hate someone. Hate to me is one of the ugliest emotions, and I think you have a very pure heart. I know you hope for resolution, and hope to me is pretty much the anti-hate. Stay strong and keep hoping!!

    • October 5, 2011 9:59 am

      Thanks Allena! I know you know all the details of the situation and all the advice you give me is appreciated and spot on! Hugs! 🙂

  5. October 5, 2011 8:22 am

    I’ve felt very strong feelings of dislike for someone. Truth be told, I’ve actually said “i hate you” to someone. In the moment it was the best word to describe the extreme feelings of hurt, anger, confusion, betrayal.. etc. When I got some space from it, I realized that “hate” took up more energy in my mind and thoughts than I wanted it to. While I do believe there are truly vile people in the world (and I’m not talking about those people here), I try to focus on the action they did and not the person. I can hate the action and still on some level not want to see any harm come to the person. I try not to use the word hate anymore because it can evoke some serious feelings and I don’t like how saying I “hate” someone makes me feel. I don’t know know your personal situation so I’m in no position to offer any advice. I can only say that most, if not all of us, have expressed those feelings at one point or another.

  6. October 5, 2011 8:24 am

    I think hate is a very strong word. When I think of hate, I think of people that would murder someone because of the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, religion, etc… For me, the type of feeling you’re describing is a mixture of hurt and anger. You feel hurt because of what they’ve done to you and angry about it as well. I agree with Julie above that forgiveness is very powerful. Sometimes we forgive others not for them, but for ourselves. It helps us move on even if they don’t accept our forgiveness. My only advice is to act civil when you’re in their presence, don’t badmouth them to the other people in your life (because that’s not fair to them) and do your best not to engage in any sort of conversation with this person if you think it will escalate to an argurment. I’m sure this all advice you’ve already been given or you already know, but I’ve found in these situations, it’s all you can really do. Maybe as time passes, things will eventually blow over and it won’t seem like the big deal it is now. They say time heals everything.

    Sorry for the novel of a comment.

    • October 5, 2011 9:57 am

      When hate is used in that context then, no, I don’t hate this person. I just have such strong strong feelings about them. I do my best not to be in situations where I am around this person but inevitably I still hear things and it makes it hard. Not to mention that no matter how much I employ my avoidance tactics this person is in my life to stay. Maybe time will help.

  7. October 5, 2011 8:27 am

    I can’t think of anyone I currently hate, but I’ve definitely had times where I did. It’s usually because of cruelty and selfishness, those are two characteristics in a person I truly hate and if they show them to me over and over I start to hate the individual as well.

  8. October 5, 2011 8:36 am

    Ok I’m going to be super cheesy right now, but I always think of this quote when someone is really pissing me off: “hate is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”

    You waste so much energy having negative feelings and I guarantee they either don’t know it or don’t even care. I hold a grudge like mofo too and have been working really hard lately to stop being angry about things/people I can’t change. All you can do is hope they eventually see the light. Being the bigger person kind of sucks, but I think it’s the best way to handle these situations. Hope things get better xo

    • October 5, 2011 9:58 am

      Grrr…I am such a grudge holder. I wish I could be more like my husband who just lets things roll off his back. He is definitely more at peace than me. I know there is a lesson there….

  9. October 5, 2011 8:40 am

    As strong of a word as it is, I think it’s ok to have feelings of hate towards someone. You’re only human and sometimes you really can’t control how you feel. That said, I do agree with most of the above advice. Sorry you are struggling through something like this.

  10. October 5, 2011 9:15 am

    Hate is a strong word but I definitely fall victim to saying it 500 times a day! Is there anybody I really HATE!? I really don’t know. There are people that I honestly, genuinely, dislike to the core, but is it truly hate? I often wonder, too, what is going on in a person’s life to make them act the way they do (their actions and attitude is usually the reason for my ‘hate’) and if they are battling something deeper. It’s really a tough topic.

  11. October 5, 2011 9:21 am

    Hatred is a bastard. I’m not sure if I truly believe its possible to hate another person fully. If you have feelings that strong, they’re always based on something else. Hurt, disappointment, whatever it may be. My therapist once told me that to truly hate someone, you had to love them first. That’s the only way to have such strong feelings.
    I obviously don’t know your situation, so all I can say is don’t let anyone else get you down. Take the high road as best you can. You’ll be better off.

  12. October 5, 2011 10:42 am

    I don’t think I could hate anyone. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think there are bad or evil people in the world that I choose to not associate with. I wouldn’t wish them harm and I actually feel sorry for them – perhaps I’ll say a prayer for them and move on. I certainly can’t give it much more energy then that or it will effect me and zap my own energy.

  13. October 5, 2011 12:38 pm

    I know you’re being vague, and that’s alright. I’m in the same situation as you are, and I really really don’t like putting on a show just to be nice to this one person. But I do it, because it’s the “right” thing to do.

    I’ve always been taught to not use the word hate, but I often do – and I feel bad for using it..especially on this one person, as well.

  14. Tina permalink
    October 5, 2011 12:50 pm

    I try to teach the girls that hate is not a good word to use, but sometimes it is just all that fits……….
    Definition of HATE

    a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
    b : extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing

    we like to sing this song

  15. October 5, 2011 3:03 pm

    Speaking from my own perspective and not giving advice….I think in these situations maybe we don’t really hate the person, but hate their behavior. From personal experience, I find when you are truly able to forgive and let go, it is liberating. Not wasting so much energy on being upset, hurt and/or angry over something or someone totally out of your control is a giant relief.
    Good luck girl. These types of situations are a major bummer.

  16. October 5, 2011 3:41 pm

    I don’t say “hate” because that gives too much of my energy to a person. I have a person that is in my life and I really don’t like it, but right now I can’t do anything about it so I just don’t care. I don’t hate because that will give them more power over me than they deserve.

  17. tanya permalink
    October 5, 2011 6:24 pm

    You probably just HATE what they do;their actions…but not them.

    Infact if you really think about it you probably could feel sorry for them as THEY are probably a Very UNHAPPY person. People who are mean or treat others mean..usually are very unhappy with their life or self…when you think of it that sad for them to have to hurt others to make them feel better for a Moment..and to get enjoyment from hurting people instead of getting enjoyment for making people feel good about themselves.

    I feel sorry for those people as they have to live a miserable life to treat others like that.
    Don’t allow that person to steal your joy!- that is their mission and you don’t have to let them have it!

  18. tanya permalink
    October 5, 2011 6:25 pm

    some people come ino to our lifes as a gift and others as a LESSON 🙂

  19. October 5, 2011 7:56 pm

    Hate is a strong word. Do I think it’s ok? Yes. But as long as you remember the strength in the emotion behind it and have a justifiable reason. Should you hate someone for taking your parking spot? No. Can you hate someone for constantly bringing negativity and unnecessary drama into your life or the people’s around you? I think it’s ok.

    It’s just really unfortunate you can’t keep them out of your day to day life. 😦

  20. October 5, 2011 8:42 pm

    I’m working with my kids on not saying ‘hate,’ but I find myself saying it about certain behaviors and situations.

    As for a person, it’s tough. I think there is freedom in forgiveness. I think Ann Landers or Dear Abby said something to the extent of ‘when you don’t forgive, you let that person live rent free in your head.’ I find that to be so true and eye opening.

    Wishing you clarity.

    • Krista permalink
      October 6, 2011 4:49 pm

      Kelly, oh my goodness. You took every word out of my head. I am in this situation with someone in my family. And have been since we met. And until she betrayed us on our wedding day. And until they moved. And I have no idea how to reach that side of the family. It makes me so sad. Sad that it’s real, sad that I’ve had any participation (real or perceived) in this situation, sad about how the entire family is affected by an individuals behavior.

      All I can do is pray every time a thought creeps into my mind. Pray for peace and grace. Not partcipate in the negative talk. And hope that I have gotten somewhere by the visit next summer.

      I’ve never read your blog before and was happy to see someone in my shoes. Well, not happy. . . 🙂

      • October 6, 2011 4:54 pm

        Krista…I am so sorry you are in a similar position. I will send really good vibes your way. Hopefully we can both find ways to forgive the behavior, the person and the situation and move forward. Here’s hoping….


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