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it’s my life

April 19, 2011

Day 5 of the 30 day challenge is to talk about a time when you thought of ending your own life. Geeze…the topics are HEAVY! I am ready for some lighter questions for sure.

**As a note…I want to say that I added a 30 Day Challenge tab above so if you missed any of the previous questions you can find them there. 🙂

First I want to say that I could never kill myself because honestly, I don’t have the guts. So I have never actually seriously entertained the idea of committing suicide. But I can think of two times in my life where I was at a real low point. Times when it sometimes seemed like it would have been easier not to have to wake up every single morning:

I mentioned before that I dated the same guy for about 4 years (on off through high school and college) and we ended up breaking up (the final time) right around the same time my parents were getting divorced. This was my sophomore year in college and I was very very lost. I felt like everything I had known as “normal” was all of a sudden falling apart. This was a hard year. My dad ended up finding me a fantastic psychologist that I met with every week until I felt able to deal with (and except) the changes in my life. That was probably the best thing that I ever did and having someone to talk to was essential. I sometimes think there is a stigma against seeking professional counseling and I wish there wasn’t. It was a really helpful tool in getting me back on my feet.

I also mentioned before that I was married before Keith. This was probably one (okay THE) biggest and dumbest mistake of my life. Following along with what I said above after I went through counseling and began to feel normal again I met another guy in college. I was still coming to terms with my relationship break up and my parent’s break up and I was extremely vulnerable. I jumped into a relationship with a guy who on the surface seemed perfect. He was loving, attentive, had a real close-knit family and seemed to have everything that I needed. We dated my junior and senior years of college and quickly got engaged. I realized very quickly into the wedding planning that this guy was not for me. The relationship excitement had started to wear off and I started to see a lot of flaws and things I wasn’t sure I could live with. But the dress had been purchased, the invitations had gone out and all the while I felt like I was standing in the middle of a room screaming and not one person could hear me. My family and friends knew I was making a mistake but everyone was waiting for me to say something. It was a bad situation. I went through with it and cried for most of my honeymoon. The relationship turned quickly abusive (both mentally and physically) and I felt so trapped and so alone.

Keith and I had been friends while I was in college. Meaning we talked on the phone and developed a friendship outside from our families. It was nice and deep down my crush still loomed but I didn’t ever think he and I would actually be together due to the age difference. When I got engaged Keith was a little upset and at that point I realized how deep his feelings were for me. But I felt like it was too late. At that point any friendship Keith and I had died right there. Then one day about 6 months after my wedding, Keith called me. He called to tell me that he was happy for me and that he was sorry for the abrupt way he ended our friendship. I started bawling and how unhappy I was came pouring out. He was the first person I ever told that I was unhappy. He listened and he quietly told me that he was sorry. He urged me to call my parents immediately.  But he also told me that I needed to figure things out and he could not be the person I talked to throughout this. He wished me well, told me would pray that I could get myself out but that I just couldn’t lean on him. I needed to leave for myself and not for him. I cried myself to sleep that night and in hindsight, that was the wisest thing Keith could have ever done for me. He forced to me grow up and take control of my own life. And I did. Nine months after I said I do; I walked out. My parents packed me up and moved me home. I picked myself back up. I got a job, saved some money, and moved into my own apartment and not once did I call Keith. But I thought about him. A lot. Once I was back on my feet and my divorce was almost final I called him. And would you know that 21 months after that phone call I married him.

That 9 months of marriage to the wrong person was awful. Everyday was a struggle and at times I didn’t know how I was going to survive. But I did. I made it through and I got my life back on track without a man. I did it as a single girl who had come to believe in herself. And in the end, I married my soul mate and the person that never once held that adolescent mistake over my head.

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28 Comments leave one →
  1. April 19, 2011 8:18 am

    I’m sorry that you went through all of that, but look how it turned out – you are now married to Keith!

    Kudos to you for posting all this heavy stuff. I’ve thought about doing this challenge but didn’t want to address some of the topics (mostly the drug/alcohol one to be honest). Thanks for your honesty. It’s very refreshing.

    • April 19, 2011 9:22 am

      Thanks Lee. I was super nervous about all the heavy topics…this one the most.

  2. Matt @ The Athlete's Plate permalink
    April 19, 2011 8:21 am

    This reminds me of the Bon Jovi song 😉

  3. April 19, 2011 8:24 am

    what a beautifully written, honest post. I think all engaged men and women (especially) should read it and just make sure that they’re doing what they want to do.

    I’m happily married and had a long engagement (actually I was the one that proposed) but it is so true that you can get caught up in all the prep and not really ask yourself whether it’s really right.

    Thanks for sharing!

  4. April 19, 2011 8:24 am

    Thank you for this post. I was actually married before as well. I haven’t talked about it in my blog yet because I’m not quite sure I’m ready. Things are still painful and I still have those ‘bad days’ every now and then. I think part of the reason I don’t talk about it is because I am ashamed of it and I think that is the hardest thing for me – realizing that it is a part of me and that I can’t change the past. I have actually thought about talking to someone but I guess I’m afraid of what it will dredge up for me. Ugh! Heavy stuff! Anyway, this post made me feel like I’m not alone. It means a lot! 🙂

    • April 19, 2011 9:23 am

      Oh my heart goes out to you. I emailed you with some more of my experience of how I dealt with the after effects. HUGS to you! You are definitely NOT alone!

  5. April 19, 2011 8:34 am

    Kelly what an awful situation — but I love how Keith acted through it all — what a great man!

    And I agree with you about the stigma of seeing a professional counselor. I have been seeing mine for over a year now and I am so happy I have her to talk to.

  6. April 19, 2011 8:59 am

    Thank you for sharing this with us. Your openness and honesty is inspiring. I commend you for having the courage to walk away from a situation you knew wasn’t right. And what great things it led to! 🙂

  7. April 19, 2011 9:12 am

    Kelly – I am so amazed by your honesty during this 30 Day Challenge. You are sharing so many details of your life with us, and I appreciate that. You’re so real and genuine. Thank you for being open with your readers!

  8. April 19, 2011 9:13 am

    Wow. I’m glad you were able to get out of that. I think its a mistake any of us could easily make, I know had I gotten the chance, I absolutely would have married the wrong guy.

    Thanks for sharing this story, and I’m so glad you’ve found happiness with Keith. He sounds like an amazing guy. 🙂

  9. April 19, 2011 9:19 am

    Wow that is an amazing story. Good for you for being able to get out, so many people don’t or feel like they can’t but life is too short and too important to suffer through like that. I am so glad you found the right person and you are so happy now 🙂

  10. April 19, 2011 9:35 am

    Wow Kelly. I’m a little teary.

    Keith has played such a pivotal role in your life. I’m amazed that you both were strong enough to give each other distance when it was needed like that.

    • April 19, 2011 9:37 am

      Thanks Lisa! It is true that I feel like Keith is my “meant to be” but it wasn’t always easy getting to this point. I am so glad that I got through that without him (in the beginning) because it showed me how strong I could really be. I feel like it is really amazing (given everything…he being 11 years older than me, me being married before) that we ended up together.

  11. April 19, 2011 10:56 am

    This is a great post, and shows how strong of a person you are and how much you and Keith really are meant to be together. I’m sorry you went through such hard times in college when you should have been having the best time of your life, but at least you have everything you ever wanted now!

  12. April 19, 2011 11:13 am

    Another wonderful post. Big hugs and love my dear.

  13. April 19, 2011 11:17 am

    You are amazing. I am so glad you are my friend!

  14. April 19, 2011 11:57 am

    Kelly, you are amazing! Keith was as lucky to have found you as you are to have found him.

  15. April 19, 2011 4:57 pm

    Kelly, I had chills the entire way through this post. The way you and Keith’s story is woven together is amazing. You are such a testament to what a strong, courageous, independent woman should look like. I’m so happy that you are finally with the man you are “meant to be” with!

    • April 19, 2011 7:43 pm

      So crazy but when I was writing this post I was actually like…oh gosh I wonder Tara is going to think!

  16. April 19, 2011 5:59 pm

    Wow, this is a heavy post. Thanks for opening up and sharing all of this with us, that takes alot of strength to do! I was reading this work and starting crying, such an emotional story and thank God, things led you in the direction AKA Ketih 🙂

    • April 19, 2011 7:43 pm

      Thank you so much. I appreciate it more than I can say!!

  17. April 19, 2011 8:07 pm

    First, I can’t believe it took me this long to realize that there was a NEW Kelly blog!! I’m glad I finally noticed that new link!

    Secondly, this story is heartbreaking – BUT, what an inspiring story! Glad you found your soulmate. 🙂

  18. April 19, 2011 8:19 pm

    Wow, what a story! I’m so sorry that you had to go thru such a rough relationship :/ but I’m so glad that in the end you wound up with your other half 🙂
    I think it’s so cool how close you and Keith have been your whole lives..just goes to show that there are such things as soulmates- you 2 definitely are! 🙂

  19. Kalli permalink
    April 19, 2011 8:45 pm

    so sorry you went through all that but know how much better you are for it now……

  20. April 20, 2011 6:38 pm

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that Kelly. What a blessing Keith was. A smart man. I love that he just waited and didn’t jump at the chance to tear you away. Yes, your relationship would definitely make a great movie.

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