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a truthful weekend

January 16, 2012

#44 on my Project 52 list was “make up with a specific friend.”

There wasn’t any major blow up with said friend but I had pulled away from her. You see, she is pregnant. And is 6 weeks further along than I was supposed to be. It was just too hard for me for to be around her. This weekend we went to lunch together. I rationalized that it wasn’t her fault I had a miscarriage. We had been really close friends. Our husbands are good friends.

So we went to lunch. We talked. And I spent the remainder of the day crying in my husband’s arms.

It is just so hard. Harder than I thought it would be.

And I wasn’t a good lunch companion or even a very good friend. I never once asked about her pregnancy. It was like the elephant in the room because she is now 7 months pregnant. Every time I tried to say something about it I was scared I would start crying. So I avoided it. She avoided it. It was awkward.

I feel bad.

I feel jealous.

I feel ashamed.

I feel bad because I wasn’t the friend I should have been.

I feel jealous because I still want the baby I lost.

I feel ashamed because I look at my life and everything I do have and I should be more thankful and not feel so sorry for myself.

I’m a mess, no? My feelings are all over the place and I am so confused between how I really feel and how I think I should feel.

I guess all I can do it keep reminding myself of everything I have and try harder to be a better friend while allowing myself to see my feelings as valid. She is a great friend of mine and a good person and I am just going to keep trying to be a better friend because I do care.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I know this was a downer post, especially for a Monday, but I am just being real. On another note, I hope you all have a great day.

P.S. I made this for dinner on Friday night. You should too…it was amazing!

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. January 16, 2012 8:48 am

    Definitely not a downer, very honest and very real. You have every right to feel this way. I remember 2 other people being pregnant at the same time I lost my two pregnancies too. It was the most lonely, horrifyingly real pain I have ever felt. Trying to find the strength to move forward and be happy for others is such a hard thing to do especially when you feel pain doing just that. I still struggle through these feelings, but with different situations now. I work everyday to get past painful feelings and it is the hardest thing I have to do. It’s funny, I can workout like a beast, take charge of so many other things, but my feelings and emotions can rule me. These are things I have to take charge of for me. I know you’re still suffering Kelly. I hope you find some peace soon. Many hugs my friend.

    • January 16, 2012 10:17 am

      Thank you Sarena….I appreciate such kind words. :)

  2. January 16, 2012 9:22 am

    I think it’s okay to feel the emotions that you do. I’m giving you an internet hug!

  3. January 16, 2012 9:50 am

    :( that has to be so hard. I know my sis took 3 years longer than expected to get pregnant (and had to eventually do IVF) and it was like red cars for her – everyone was pregnant. I don’t know how she dealt with it and am sorry you’re having to go through it – take care! (hugs)

  4. January 16, 2012 9:51 am

    We’re all a mess in our own way. I think its a mandatory part of life. I think its admirable that you realize your reason for pulling away from your friend and attempted to fix it. You’ll get it all figured out, it just takes time.

  5. January 16, 2012 10:14 am

    Morning Kelly. I found this post very touching and very real. I think these emotions are completely normal and justified. What’s even more amazing is that you’re able to be honest about them. I’m so sorry for this incredibly hard road you’re on right now. Hopefully time will ease these feelings. xoxo

  6. January 16, 2012 10:32 am

    Oh, Kelly, I wish I could hug you right now. You aren’t a bad friend– you’re very brave for even going to lunch with your friend. And I know that your friend probably thinks so too.

  7. January 16, 2012 10:36 am

    No need to apologize for the downer feelings. I can say that I would feel 100% the same if I were in the same situation. What you went through requires a grieving process and it will take time and you are entitled to that time and the feelings that come along with it.

    Xoxo! Sending hugs!

  8. January 16, 2012 11:09 am

    Your feelings are normal and totally expected. I just HATE that you have to feel them. I’ll call you later and you can vent/cry/scream – whatever you need!

    • January 16, 2012 11:11 am

      Thank you Allena! :) You always cheer me up when we talk!

  9. Leighann permalink
    January 16, 2012 11:34 am

    Maybe you could write her a note/e-mail and explain your feelings? I’m sure she would understand and that would probably make the situation much more comfortable for both of you. I would also have a hard time talking about it without getting emotional. (((HUGS)))

  10. January 16, 2012 1:31 pm

    oh Kelly, this is very honest and real and HUMAN. You are not a bad friend, it’s just a tough situation, for anyone who has gone through what you have gone through. You know you can always email me to vent, etc. <3

  11. January 16, 2012 2:03 pm

    Kelly, honestly I don’t know what to say here. You have been through so much with the lost pregnancy :( I I don’t know how I would of handled myself. I think you have been SO strong with it all that it’s OK to cry, to just let you emotions go. I can only imagine how hard it would be to see someone you are friends with being pregnant around the SAME time that you would of been pregnant. I want to say ‘everything happens for a reason,’ but that does NOT feel appropriate at ALL. Sometimes that saying just doesn’t work. I think what you are doing is the best thing…just trying to see the positive in it all. Like the post you did about the good/ bad- just try to keep that in your head…that it is GOOD that you can finally start trying again! That is wonderful news! And maybe AFTER your friend gives birth you could explain to her how you felt & why you were distant…I think she would really understand if you presented it that way…I know I would. Thinking of you today- remember “Monday is a fresh start!” (I will ALWAYS thank YOU for reminding me of this way back when :) )

  12. January 16, 2012 3:35 pm

    You went through a lot. I don’t think it’s unusual for you to have the feelings you do. We’re only human. But you’ve been strong and you’re doing what you can to put those feelings aside! And that’s a big step!

  13. January 16, 2012 5:09 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. But how strong of you to write such a truthful and beautiful post. Life is so so hard sometimes.

  14. January 16, 2012 10:36 pm

    This was such a raw and honest post… I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Thank you for sharing it. You are such a strong person, and trying to overcome these feelings just makes you that much more of a better person. Best with everything.

  15. January 16, 2012 11:15 pm

    Ooooh, Kelly. My heart is aching for you. But you know what, I think all those emotions that you’re feeling are completely normal – I mean, as normal as they can be in a time like this.

    Thinking of you and praying for guidance, healing and comfort. xoxo

  16. January 17, 2012 12:19 pm

    Kelly, I’ve never commented before (but definitely lurked!) and I think you are such a strong person. I know this is definitely NOT the same situation or comparison, but I felt many of the same feelings when I was diagnosed with cancer last year. I had a really hard time feeling the way I felt and expressing it because I kept thinking about how I “should feel” and trying to stay positive. I also had a really hard time connecting with people who were “healthy” (which felt like every one in the world, ever) and was just so pissed and sad that it happened to me. I started to see a counselor who was really amazing in helping me to process everything – and it made me realize the more I accepted my feelings and just let them be there, whatever it was, the better I was able to deal. Some days were great – and some days, I just spent my lunch break crying in the bathroom. I would imagine you have immensely difficult and conflicting emotions, all of which are totally valid. I’m sure if your friend is a good friend, she too knows how hard this must be for you. Many, many hugs to you! :)

    • January 17, 2012 6:15 pm

      What an encouraging comment. I am so sorry that you got cancer…sometimes the world just doesn’t seem fair. I will admit to feeling ashamed that I do feel so sorry for myself sometimes. I am still a healthy woman with a loving huband and a good life. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel so upset. I wish you so much happiness and wishes for good health. You are a strong person and thank you for sharing how you feel and the emotions you have gone through. I wish you were sitting next to me so I could give you a big hug!

  17. January 17, 2012 1:23 pm

    I’ve been in the exact same situation. It makes you mad at yourself when you know you should act/feel different, but you also can’t really change it. She sounds like a good friend and, like good friends do, I’m betting you two will weather this.

    Life is so hard sometimes, no?

    As always – encouraged by your honesty.

  18. January 17, 2012 7:24 pm

    Hey Kelly. I can’t say I know what it’s like to be in your situation. But my heart aches for you. I think when we go through trial some times, we can get caught up in how we’re supposed to feel or act. The best advice I got while going through a difficult time .. just feel.. just act. Good friends are in our life for a reason and although right now it’s awkward between you two, I know you’ll work it out. You have a big heart and she’s your friend, so her heart is big too. Hugs to you!

  19. January 19, 2012 12:15 pm

    Ohh you sweet thing, I can’t even imagine. I think you are better than I am, I don’t even think I could have managed a lunch – you are amazing and are going to be SUCH a good, caring mama someday (soon!).

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