a truthful weekend
#44 on my Project 52 list was “make up with a specific friend.”
There wasn’t any major blow up with said friend but I had pulled away from her. You see, she is pregnant. And is 6 weeks further along than I was supposed to be. It was just too hard for me for to be around her. This weekend we went to lunch together. I rationalized that it wasn’t her fault I had a miscarriage. We had been really close friends. Our husbands are good friends.
So we went to lunch. We talked. And I spent the remainder of the day crying in my husband’s arms.
It is just so hard. Harder than I thought it would be.
And I wasn’t a good lunch companion or even a very good friend. I never once asked about her pregnancy. It was like the elephant in the room because she is now 7 months pregnant. Every time I tried to say something about it I was scared I would start crying. So I avoided it. She avoided it. It was awkward.
I feel bad.
I feel jealous.
I feel ashamed.
I feel bad because I wasn’t the friend I should have been.
I feel jealous because I still want the baby I lost.
I feel ashamed because I look at my life and everything I do have and I should be more thankful and not feel so sorry for myself.
I’m a mess, no? My feelings are all over the place and I am so confused between how I really feel and how I think I should feel.
I guess all I can do it keep reminding myself of everything I have and try harder to be a better friend while allowing myself to see my feelings as valid. She is a great friend of mine and a good person and I am just going to keep trying to be a better friend because I do care.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I know this was a downer post, especially for a Monday, but I am just being real. On another note, I hope you all have a great day.
P.S. I made this for dinner on Friday night. You should too…it was amazing!