This might be a heavy post…fair warning.
The thing about having multiple miscarriages is that it affects different people in different ways. For me, I was overcome with such anger. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at friends who were pregnant and friends who had kids, myself, Keith, even God. I was angry at the entire world for every and no reason at all. And the thing is I didn’t even have it as bad as some people. I knew that. I still know that. I was angry at myself because I couldn’t reconcile my feelings. I felt lucky to have such a good life but I also felt like it was incomplete. I just didn’t know how to handle my feelings and they manifested themselves in the form of anger.
I was even cold to people who probably didn’t deserve it. People who had what I wanted. I tried to stay friends but it was too hard. I didn’t go to baby showers, call to check in, and I let some people just drift slowly out of my life. I really didn’t know how to handle how I felt. It was so much easier to avoid the people who made me think about the life I wasn’t having. I realize now that this was a very selfish attitude. If I could go back and handle things differently, I would. In a heartbeat. I was with a friend the other day who had 7 miscarriages in a row coupled with fertility issues and she was a much better person than I. She hosted baby showers for her friends. Me? I walked out on friendships. Honestly, I am a little ashamed but I also know that I was in a lot of pain and I was coping as best I could. I go back and read old posts of mine and my pain and anger are palpable. My heart breaks rereading them.
The other day I was driving in my car and the Garth Brooks song, Unanswered Prayers came on the radio. For those of you who don’t know that song (first of all are you living under a rock?) it is about a man who prayed to God to marry his high school sweetheart. He didn’t and at a high school reunion years later he sees her and realizes that God’s greatest gift to him was unanswered prayers because his current wife was the best thing that happened to him. That song not only transplanted me right back to high school but it also made me think about my current situation. Maybe God’s greatest gifts ARE unanswered prayers.
As much pain and anger as I felt over those miscarriages had either of those pregnancies happened I wouldn’t have baby Trey in my belly right now. And that is hard to fathom. I also wouldn’t have Bella. That is impossible to imagine. We got her the day after the second miscarriage and that dog means more to me than I could ever put into words. I also wouldn’t be a teacher. I was in the process of getting certified to be a teacher and I was substituting. The odds of me getting a job would have been slim had I been pregnant and then I fear I would have lacked initiative to job hunt if I had a baby at home waiting for me. So…I now have a job I love, a dog I love, and soon to be a son that I already love so much.
I really really like my life. Like a lot. And I fear had either of those pregnancies not resulted in miscarriage I would have greatly altered this life I like so much. I don’t believe things happen for a reason. I don’t believe in fate. In fact one of the things that used to make me so angry was when people would say my miscarriages happened for a reason. I HATED that. That made zero sense to me. Why would crack babies be born or babies to teenage mothers be the right reason?? No, I believe that we live in a universe of free choice and free will and there are a lot of random acts that make absolutely no sense that happen every single day. The randomness of life is what makes it so scary and so great all at the same time.
I guess that tonight when I go to bed I will be thankful for the friends who stuck by me and opened their arms back up to me in recent months, I’m grateful for my Bella, my life, my job, baby Trey….
and unanswered prayers.