not what i was expecting
Happy New Year! I hope 2013 proves to be a great year for all.
Honestly, I’ve been kind of in a bad mood since the New Year. I usually start the beginning of the year with a sense of peace and excitement at what the next 365 days will bring. This year I just feel sad. Every year I write Keith a holiday letter that I read to him sometime between Christmas and New Years. It usually just recaps the year and talks about the things we experienced. I like to think when I am 60 they will be fun to go back and read. I’ve been doing it since the first year we got married in 2006.
I was going back and reading some of the past ones I have written and I realized that every year since 2010 I have ended each letter with some sentiment about the upcoming year being our year to have a baby. I can’t believe it is now 2013 and that hasn’t happened. Truth? I am not okay. I am so far from okay that I don’t even know what that means anymore.
I look in the mirror and all I see is this broken woman. A woman who can’t seem to make a baby. Two years, two miscarriages and now fertility problems..I feel like I am on the brink of losing it. I am so close to the edge. I am trying very hard to stay positive because I know positive thinking can do wonders for the body. The problem is I don’t tend to be a positive person by nature so that is hard for me. People tell me all the time how strong I am and yada yada yada. I don’t feel strong. I feel broken. I feel like I have failed myself, my husband, my parents. And I am at “that age”….the baby having age…so everyone asks me when I am going to have kids. Keith and I have been married 7 years and people want to know where is the baby?
I wonder too. Where is my baby?
I see an acupunturist who tells me to acknowledge the emotion I am feeling and then let it pass instead of just focusing on it. I try. I am trying.
I just feel like each year is a year of possibilities and instead this year I just feel sad. I also feel like I am being selfish in not being grateful for the life I do have and the amazing things in it. I have an amazing husband, a very supportive family, a job I absolutely love, the best puppy ever, and great friends. I am torn between feeling like that should be enough. I am healthy and have a body that allows me to work out and live a full and rich life. I should be grateful for my blessings. So then I feel guilty and selfish that I still want more. I am a mess, no?
Sorry to be such a downer but I find my blog to be the one place where I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. I don’t have to fake it.
Thanks for listening friends.