i want to be a mom
Day 27 of the 30 day challenge is to talk about a problem that I have had. Well I guess I might as well talk about the current problem at hand. Keith and I are trying to get pregnant. That shouldn’t be a problem but for us it is. We are having a hard time. The trying part has been fun (ha) but knowing that something isn’t working correctly is hard. After some general blood work it was discovered that my thyroid is under active, my testosterone is low, progesterone is low and my estrogen is sky-high. All of these things are leading me to having sporadic periods and to my knowledge I am not ovulating. I have been referred to an endocrinologist who specializes in fertility. I have faith that she will be able to sort me out and get my body working like it should. I won’t allow myself to believe otherwise. I won’t. I can’t.
I have a lot of guilt associated with this. A lot. When Keith and I got married 5 years ago I wanted kids. I have always been so good with kids and I have always thought I would be a good mom. I always assumed that it would be. Keith and I got married and I started running local 5K’s around Austin. 5k’s turned to 10k’s and 10k’s turned to half marathons and then I started training for my marathon. You can read my running story here and how I became so obsessed. That obsession didn’t leave any time for a baby in my mind. Besides, I justified, we didn’t have to have kids right away. Eventually I gave up on the kids idea completely and decided I didn’t even want them. Keith was in shock! But he rolled with the punches and I think he secretly thought I would change my mind. And I did. I always wanted a baby and at some point I realized that I wanted that even more than running. I believe that all that running, obsessiveness and undereating lead my body down some paths it didn’t need to go. And now that I have a much healthier relationship with exercise and food my body seems to have been left with some scars. Therefore guilt. There is absolutely no way to know if I did this to my body or not. I was never regular with my cycles and went on the birth control pill when I was 19 years old. So this could have been a problem always lurking in the background that just went undiagnosed (the pill can hide a lot of things…hindsight is always 20/20) or it could have been damage I caused. Possibly a little bit of both. But whatever the issue is I feel guilty. Really guilty. Plus age is an issue. Not for me. I am only 30 but Keith is 41 and he feels like his time is cookin. I mean he doesn’t want to be an old Dad. (not that the man looks a day over 35 and is in amazing shape…for reals) But still. Guilt.
So where do we go from here? I meet with the endocrinologist, run more tests, do what she says, keep trying, and think positive thoughts. That’s all I can do and I won’t allow myself to think of the alternative.