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i want to be a mom

May 16, 2011

Day 27 of the 30 day challenge is to talk about a problem that I have had. Well I guess I might as well talk about the current problem at hand. Keith and I are trying to get pregnant. That shouldn’t be a problem but for us it is. We are having a hard time. The trying part has been fun (ha) but knowing that something isn’t working correctly is hard. After some general blood work it was discovered that my thyroid is under active, my testosterone is low, progesterone is low and my estrogen is sky-high. All of these things are leading me to having sporadic periods and to my knowledge I am not ovulating. I have been referred to an endocrinologist who specializes in fertility. I have faith that she will be able to sort me out and get my body working like it should. I won’t allow myself to believe otherwise. I won’t. I can’t.

I have a lot of guilt associated with this. A lot. When Keith and I got married 5 years ago I wanted kids. I have always been so good with kids and I have always thought I would be a good mom. I always assumed that it would be. Keith and I got married and I started running local 5K’s around Austin. 5k’s turned to 10k’s and 10k’s turned to half marathons and then I started training for my marathon. You can read my running story here and how I became so obsessed. That obsession didn’t leave any time for a baby in my mind. Besides, I justified, we didn’t have to have kids right away. Eventually I gave up on the kids idea completely and decided I didn’t even want them. Keith was in shock! But he rolled with the punches and I think he secretly thought I would change my mind. And I did. I always wanted a baby and at some point I realized that I wanted that even more than running.  I believe that all that running, obsessiveness and undereating lead my body down some paths it didn’t need to go. And now that I have a much healthier relationship with exercise and food my body seems to have been left with some scars. Therefore guilt. There is absolutely no way to know if I did this to my body or not. I was never regular with my cycles and went on the birth control pill when I was 19 years old. So this could have been a problem always lurking in the background that just went undiagnosed (the pill can hide a lot of things…hindsight is always 20/20) or it could have been damage I caused. Possibly a little bit of both. But whatever the issue is I feel guilty. Really guilty. Plus age is an issue. Not for me. I am only 30 but Keith is 41 and he feels like his time is cookin. I mean he doesn’t want to be an old Dad. (not that the man looks a day over 35 and is in amazing shape…for reals) But still. Guilt.

So where do we go from here? I meet with the endocrinologist, run more tests, do what she says, keep trying, and think positive thoughts. That’s all I can do and I won’t allow myself to think of the alternative.

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58 Comments leave one →
  1. May 16, 2011 7:34 am

    Great attitude. It’s all you can do it. Keep your spirits up and just keep doin it (in more ways than one) ;).

  2. greensandjeans permalink
    May 16, 2011 7:55 am

    I’m sorry you guys have been struggling, but if there is one thing I’ve learned from friends and family members going through similar situations is that where there is a will there is a way. You guys will be INCREDIBLE parents (and will make beautiful babies!)

  3. May 16, 2011 8:03 am

    This is beautiful! Keep being positive, and i KNOW it will happen when it’s meant to be! And i would LOVE to have a baby to visit and play with in Austin!!!

  4. May 16, 2011 8:18 am

    Kelly I’m sorry to read that you feel so guilty — but I can understand where you’re coming from. To be honest I worry about the same things and we aren’t even trying to have a baby. I worry that we will have trouble. But I think your last few sentences are amazing — you have a good attitude and you’re doing what you can.

  5. Erin permalink
    May 16, 2011 8:32 am

    Stay positive Kelly and try not to be so hard on yourself. I’ll be praying for you guys :)

  6. May 16, 2011 8:37 am

    I love your positive outlook on this. I know everything will work out for you and your hubby. Thinking of you!

  7. May 16, 2011 8:46 am

    Kel! I’m so sorry you are having this problem, but thank you for being so honest about it. It’s easy to beat yourself up and feel guilty, but you have to keep your head up and remind yourself that a million things could have caused this and not necessarily anything you did. It will happen! :-)

  8. May 16, 2011 8:47 am

    Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I would like to start TTC soon, and I am very afraid that it will be difficult for us too. I can relate to the feelings of guilt you describe here, but – like you say – it’s important to keep a positive perspective and keep the focus on moving forward.

  9. May 16, 2011 8:48 am

    Thanks for sharing Kelly, I know this is tough, but you have my support through this. You are on the right path with your health and I really hope things work out with getting pregnant.

  10. Jen permalink
    May 16, 2011 8:59 am

    I don’t think you should feel guilty. I’m not an expert but I don’t think your running last year affected your hormones. I’m no doctor, though! I’m 36 and I did the Madison Ironman last fall. Obviously, I was a fitness fanatic. Plus, I’ve struggled with eating issues since I was 17. Now, I’m 3 months pregnant. I’m truly lucky and blessed and I’m so thankful we didn’t struggle with getting pregnant. However, I was WORRIED about it before! I researched a TON. It helps that my husband is a chiropractor/nutrionist/acupuncturist. He “doped” me up with supplements and did some acupucture on me. I think it helped. Plus, he stayed out of the hottub! Gotta keep those little guys cool… ;)
    Have you tried acupuncture?

    I think letting go of the guilt would help too…

    • May 16, 2011 9:01 am

      Jen! Congratulations on your pregnancy! That is wonderful!!

      I haven’t tried acupuncture but I completely believe in it and would definitely be willing to give that a try!! Thanks for your kind words and message of hope! :)

  11. May 16, 2011 9:01 am

    I’m sorry you have to go through this Kelly. You are going to make an amazing mom. It will happen for you, just stay positive. :)

  12. May 16, 2011 9:17 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. Stay postitive Kelly and know it’s not your fault….you’d make a wonderful mom.

  13. May 16, 2011 9:29 am

    I’m so sorry to hear this Kelly. It’s something I think about often. Currently I’m 27 but I’ve also had undereating, overexercising problems in the past and it has always worried me that I’ll have trouble getting pregnant. We have had only a few official tries and then I back off and get scared but I think we are going to start trying seriously now and I only hope it all goes well and is in God’s hands. I hope and pray the same for you :)

  14. May 16, 2011 9:44 am

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I want to be a mom so much, one day and I truly don’t know how I would deal with such a hurdle. I never know what to say in these situations, but if you think it might help, you should check out my friend Jen’s blog http://www.runnerstrials.com/. She’s very open with what she’s been going through trying to conceive unsuccessfully (for now).

    • May 16, 2011 3:10 pm

      Thanks for the blog…I check it out. She is very inspiring! :)

  15. May 16, 2011 9:50 am

    I wish you tons of luck with the endocrinologist. While not for fertility issues, I’ve been seeing one for three years now, and he has been quite helpful. Personally, I’ve never had the intense desire to have children (which is fine with my husband), but I’ve had so many health issues the last several years, that one of the main reasons that I don’t want children now is because I’m scared out of my mind that I’d pass along my issues to them, and I’d never want to do that. Major guilt. Plus, like you & some others on this thread, I obsess over exercising/running and for the longest time did not understand nutrition. You shouldn’t feel guilty about your past, just look to the future and have faith. It may take a while, but that will only make your baby even more special, right?

    • May 16, 2011 3:11 pm

      Exactly!! Thank you Lisa! I am working on the guilt thing. Day by day!

  16. May 16, 2011 9:55 am

    Guilt is a wasted emotion. My psychiatrist taught me that guilt is really only an emotion that is helpful in teaching children right from wrong. Past that it is a waste of time. If you are doing everything you can NOW, then be proud of what you’re doing and don’t waste your time on guilt. The past is the past, focus on the now and the future. Don’t waste another second on guilt!

    • May 16, 2011 9:58 am

      Thanks Allena! I am still hoping that I can get myself figured out and we can be pregnant at the same time! hehehe…me with my first you and with number 2! But regardless I think you are the strongest person ever and I admire you so much for everything you went through. I know that I am going to learn a lot about pregnancy and motherhood from you! :)

      • May 16, 2011 9:59 am

        Oh and I love that…guilt is a wasted emotion. I am going to repeat the mantra and write it down! I like that A LOT!

  17. May 16, 2011 10:16 am

    Oh my sweet Kells…let go of the guilt. You could dissect every moment of your life and try to point to some time or another, but nothing good will come out of that. Just keep doing what you are doing, being healthy and staying positive. You are going to make a wonderful mother.

    Love you! Bex

  18. May 16, 2011 10:16 am

    Oh Kelly!!! My hub and I went through this too, and I so distinctly remember the heartbreak every month when I found out I wasn’t pregnant…again. I would just cry and cry – BUT, the good news is that after 2 months of treatment after seeing an endocrinologist, I was pregnant! I hope and pray that it happens that way for you, too! All my love.

    • May 16, 2011 3:11 pm

      Katie! I had no idea!!! WOW! But what hope…thanks for such kind words! And babycakes is PRECIOUS!!!

  19. May 16, 2011 2:22 pm

    Just remember, life moves forward, not backward, so there’s no use in even thinking about (or feeling guilty about!) the past. Focus on the now and the future, and what is meant to be will happen. They actually say that stressing about getting pregnant is one of the leading causes of infertility. So relax, don’t fret it, and just enjoy trying :)

    My two cents on guilt too – it is the most wasted emotion there is. It adds no value, and definitely won’t help you get pregnant! So unload that burden!

    • May 16, 2011 3:13 pm

      Thanks Alisa…I am working on it. Thankfully am married to an amazing man who doesn’t blame me…it never even crosses his mind. So I am just working on forgiving myself.

  20. May 16, 2011 3:17 pm

    Aw hun, I will be thinking and praying for you!

  21. May 16, 2011 4:04 pm

    Hi friend! Well we are starting TTC too. We had two unsuccessful cycles, and I was pretty bummed each time. I know it’s early, I know to relax, etc., but still, I was bummed. Type A people want to know what they’re doing wrong and what they can do right. Anyway, just this weekend I started talking about it with friends, and it has really helped my mood. I think it’s great you’re writing about it, although I’m not that brave. My lesson is to talk it out and let the doctors and your body do their part.

  22. May 16, 2011 4:46 pm

    I feel like things will work out as they should (whether that helps or not…sorry…). But I do know what you’re going through, slightly. I have no periods, no progestrone or estrogen. It does some crazy things to your body when you starve it (like I did) or are pushing it to limits it might not want to be at (crazy amounts of running, again like I did). I’m not even sure I’m fertile anymore.. which is ok with my at this point but what about in the future?!

    So anyway, sorry I’m not helpful. But the fact that you’re taking a proactive approach is VERY good. You’re fixing things now and have been taking care of your body. That helps. :)

  23. May 16, 2011 5:30 pm

    It’s so amazing to me how different everyone is when it comes to the ability to have kids. For some it takes years, others you jsut have to look at them the wrong way and they’re with child. It’s nuts. I’m sure it’ll happen for you when the time is right… enjoy the practice until then. :)

    • May 16, 2011 5:32 pm

      I will say that of all the things I have “praticed” for in my life this is by far the most fun! ;)

  24. May 16, 2011 5:33 pm

    While I believe in the power of pray (and will send some prayers your way!), I also believe in the power of medicine. I’m so happy you’ve met with an endocrinologist and are taking this seriously. My sister-in-law got pregnant very easily with her first child, and then she and her husband tried and tried and tried for a second one. More than a year went by with them trying, and we found out last week that she’s pregnant again. Just because you may have to try a little harder doesn’t necessarily mean that it won’t ever happen. I think staying positive and not allowing yourself to become stressed is also a huge factor in coping with the situation.

  25. May 16, 2011 5:51 pm

    I am so sorry you are going through this Kelly. I really do feel for you. Please, don’t blame yourself. I had a very similar problem when we were trying to have our second child. I lost two between Jay and Max and it was due to no progesterone in my body. Definitely keep your chin up and stay positive. My thoughts are with you for an extremely happy ending!

  26. May 16, 2011 8:05 pm

    Kelly,
    I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with this. I do believe that medicine will be able to help you and turn these issues completely around. Although it may take some time, I have heard of so many success stories from my older cousins and mom’s friends who all have had difficulties conceiving as well. Just try to keep your head up through this tough time, you and your husband will get through it, finding yourselves well on the other side

  27. May 16, 2011 11:47 pm

    Kelly,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. Although we haven’t yet started trying for kids, I can totally relate to your experience of over exercising and undereating causing hormonal problems. I was without a natural period for many years and was diagnosed with hypothyroidism which is now treated and under control. My doc kept speaking as though my fate of never having a natural period was set but I knew that wasn’t the case, I just had to really be kind to my body. So I went off of birth control in Sept of last year and took great care to eat enough, do some meditation/relaxation, and do less intense exercise. Well in December of this year my period started naturally and the cycle has been regular with the exception of very recently due to my half marathon – perfect case in point. So I’m cutting back on mileage and am sure that I can get back on schedule.

    I wanted to share this with you because although infertility certainly does exist, don’t let doctors tell you that you have to start this medication or that treatment before you’ve taken enough time to see if you can fix things with being especially kind to your body. Obviously time is a factor that I totally understand. Just want you to have another perspective on it :).

    I wish you all the best in your quest for a family. I know that no matter how it happens you two will be amazing parents :)

    • May 17, 2011 9:20 am

      Thanks for sharing Jenny. You are truly a special person!

  28. May 17, 2011 12:11 am

    I know a lot of people that spent YEARS trying to get pregnant. Not to make light of it at all, because I know how badly you want this and how much your deserve it and how great of parents the two of you will be be, but I can think of worse things to “have” to do. ;)

    And I concur with everyone about guilt being a wasted emotion. Like you said, there’s no way to know if your actions had anything to do with this, so there’s no use in worrying or stressing over it. Easy for me to say, I know.

    • May 17, 2011 9:20 am

      No…you’re right. Stress isn’t going to help a damn thing. And yes…”having to try” is quite fun! hehe!

  29. May 17, 2011 6:02 am

    I am praying for you guys. I truly think God wants you two to be blessed with a child. My mom went through the same thing. It took her 2 years to get pregnant and then all of sudden she was fertile mertile. Thanks for sharing this Kelly. <3!

  30. May 17, 2011 9:35 am

    Kell, I love you so very much. This honesty speaks to my heart. Thanks for sharing and for always being open-minded and willing to look rawly at yourself. It inspires all of us to do the same.
    One thing I know- you will be the most wonderful mom. I just know it. Your loving, nurturing nature, the way you feel so deeply. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful :)

    • May 17, 2011 12:55 pm

      Thanks Andrea….you always make me smile. Each and every day! :)

  31. May 17, 2011 9:46 am

    Oh Kelly, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Whether or not your exercising had a hand in your hypothyroidism is irrelevant (you can’t go back and change anything) and the stress from the guilt will just make the trying harder. You’ve only just started trying to fix the problem, so don’t get down on yourself so soon. Stay positive! You’re going to try new things that might improve your fertility!!

    And when you do finally have a baby, you’re going to be the most loving mother. Fight for this, yes. But don’t hate yourself. :)

  32. erin permalink
    May 17, 2011 11:16 am

    I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better in this situation. I have been in your shoes, felt the uncontrollable guilt and went through the doctor poking and prodding. I feel so much for you. All I can say is please keep the big picture in mind. You will have the family you want some day. After years of trying everything under the sun, we went through invitro fertilization, and am now 4 months pregnant. My cousin also had success with IVF, after 6 years of infertility. The stress never stops, but don’t lose hope. The big picture is worth all of the struggles. My prayers are with you.

    • May 17, 2011 12:54 pm

      Erin…first CONGRATULATIONS on being 4 months pregnant. That is fabulous and I am truly happy for you and your husband. After everything you’ve been through that is so so so special! :) Thank you for the words on encouragement…it is people like you that make me realize that my time will come and everything that may need to happen will be worth it. Hugs to you and again congratulations!

  33. May 17, 2011 4:58 pm

    This is such a hard thing to go through. I know I told you before, but my sister was experiencing similar issues & she just had my nephew in December. She is 34 years old & her husband is 43- so I have LOTS & LOTS of hope for you both!! Your attitude is great, Kelly- keep it up! You are definitely in my thoughts & prayers!

  34. May 18, 2011 8:22 am

    Good luck, Kelly! I know exactly how you feel. It makes no sense that your body fails you when you take such good care of yourself. I am so, so sorry. I really hope the RE can help! If you ever need to talk, let me know. This is a super crappy problem, and the only thing that makes me feel better is talking with othes.

  35. May 18, 2011 3:52 pm

    Hi – I just found your blog through Lori’s. What a post. I’m so sorry you are struggling with fertility. I admire you for sharing your story, as I’m sure you’ve helped more people than you know with your honesty and frankness. I look forward to following your blog and reading as you move forward.

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